


A Larger More Dangerous World

by Butterflyfish



Series: Getting to know Daryl Dixon. [9]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Kidnapping, Major Character Injury, Other, Sex, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 01:24:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7246576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterflyfish/pseuds/Butterflyfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Abra needs help, fast.<br/>She and Daryl get the peace of mind they need.<br/>But there is always something hiding, just around the corner, out of view. Something they never could have predicted.<br/>Something to change their world forever.</p><p>-my Abra/Daryl AU version of the introduction of Negan-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title subject to change

I watched, I could do nothing else tied to a tree as I was, my husband backed up against one himself in front of me, and surrounded by men I didn't know. He seemed to know us though. He seemed to know Daryl, Rosita and Denise who was tied beside me. This man with the melted face and protruding eye laughing when, weak as I felt, I found strength enough to strain against my bindings as he pulled out a gun, and shot my husband in the chest.

I yelled against the tape at my mouth, a muffled nonsense noise, that no one paid any mind.

Daryl slumped, fell to the side, and I screamed his name, again seemingly muffled nonsense from my bound mouth. I could see the blood splatters from where I was, several feet away, but I couldn't see how close the blond was, the angle made it look like a point blank shot, and my heart sped up in my chest, as if to try and burst through my ribs.

The blond with half a face was laughing.

I had no idea what they'd done with Charlie.

* * *

 

Denise and Rosita helped Abra get cleaned up n dressed for the journey while I left a message with Sasha at the wall. We were goin' to Hilltop later anyway, to speak to Gregory.

"Everything ok?" She asked me concerned. "I thought I heard screaming, Spencer went to see"

"Nah. Abra's had a bleed. Let Rick know we'll meet him at Hilltop, we're heading over now." She nodded, looking stunned now.

"Ok. Ok. Carson will sort her out." I wasn't so sure.

"I hope so. We're taking the van, she can lay down in back n ya'll 'need the RV later"

Charlie insisted on coming with us, and Abra wanted him there. What could I do? How could I say no to her in her state, possibly losing the baby. So we piled in the van, Abra n the girls in the back, me n Charlie up front. I noticed Abra was wearin' her holster, which we scavenged back from our last expedition, the one that undoubtedly led us here in the first place. I hadn't forgotten her stomach was slashed, that being held hostage could have started this whole thing.

She must've insisted, the girls wouldn't'a worried about it.

I'd tried teaching Charlie how to use a hand gun several times out on our hunting trips. He could, when he concentrated, but he flatly told me he was gonna use a crossbow, like his old man, when he was older. Still. He had a handgun in the glovebox if we needed it.

I hoped we wouldn't.

* * *

 

It was getting dark. They ripped the tape off our mouths, but warned us at gun point to shut up before we'd even spoken. We were shoved in the back of a large vehicle, still tied up, Daryl thrown on the floor as men continually laughed.

We didn't go anywhere. The vehicle didn't move for hours.

"Daryl?" I whispered, knowing that if he was dead, so were we. I still had no idea where Charlie was. They'd snatched him before they took the rest of us. "Daryl?" I tried again, panic rising from my stomach, fear making me sweat. He groaned, he was pale, his hair hung in tendrils around his face. Was this it? Was that a grunt of the living or the dead? After all this time why couldn't I distinguish that? I looked at Denise, who was trying hard to see where Daryl had been shot, Rosita just staring into the distance, already convinced it was over.

"He's shot in the shoulder" Denise said, her voice shaking, tears on her face "If he doesn't bleed out he'll live. Providing there's an exit wound." But Daryl was lying on his back, and we couldn't see if the bullet had escaped or embedded itself. How could we turn him over when we were bound?

He was still and quiet again. It was torture. I shuffled along on my ass to be nearer to him.

"Abra!" Rosita said, as if I was endangering myself further. I shot a look at her, it didn't matter who went first.

"If Daryl's dead we're all dead" I voiced my earlier thought. "Makes no difference if I'm here or back there." I nudged him as best I could with my arms behind my back. He groaned again, a sound full of pain.

"Wake up" I whispered at him, "we need to figure this out, wake up" another moan escaped him. It sounded to my ears like he was responding, the others didn't look so sure. "Baby" I managed through tears, watching as sweat stood out on his face. "They took Charlie, Daryl, they've got Charlie"

"Just let him die in peace!" Rosita said harshly "just let him go, it doesn't matter anymore" Sinve losing Abraham to another woman she'd been down, but she wasn't going to drag the rest of us with her. I shook my head at her.

"Don't" I said "don't you dare. These people have my kid, if you wanna give up that's just fine, I'm not. I'm not dead yet"

* * *

 

Getting there was fine we made good time. Charlie kept turning to see his mom every time pain coursed through her n made her yell. I couldn't bear the noise, it wasn't anything like I'd heard before. Guttural n raw, like the noise she made in the bedroom but deeper, not in tone, but like they came from further within her.  
I snuck a look at Charlie, now also pale, so I took his knee.

"Hey, bud, she'll be ok. We gotta be strong, for mom." I sighed heavily, lowered my voice "if she loses the baby, it'll be ok, we'll still have mom. N mom's strong, she needs us to be too."

"Ain't gonna let her lose it" he said quietly but vehemently "why's it hurtin' her?" I couldn't answer that, I din't know.

"We're gonna find out. Ok? Dr Carson is a special baby doctor" He nodded, happy 'nuff with that, but he threw another nervous glance over his shoulder, all the same. "Hey" I said. "Wanna follow where we're goin' on the map?" He looked at me confused, not realising I was just doin' my best to keep him occupied. I gestured to the glovebox.  
"Map's in there. Where we're goin' is circled it's called 'Barrington House' on there, y'see?" He found it, he found home, he traced our journey, learnin' n keepin' calm all at once.

* * *

 

"We need to keep him warm" Denise said after my outburst, and I knew she was giving us things to think about. "There's a blanket by your feet, Rosita" Rosita just looked at her blankly. "Rosita" Denise tried quietly. "I know you want to help, deep down you do. You're not going to give up now after everything you have been through. Kick that blanket over" Rosita did so, but not without huffing about it. It wasn't a blanket, it was like a big sheet of hessian.

"Doesn't matter" Denise said, talking fast and in her professional voice. "Get him covered, Abra, don't matter how just cover him up and keep him warm." The sheet had landed on my knees, which I manage to bend so I could get it into my teeth. He tasted like dust and Earth. I did my best, I pulled it over Daryl, at least covering part of him.

"It'll have to do" Denis said as I turned to her, worrying it wouldn't be enough.

"Now what?" I asked, and Rosita actually piped up.

"We need to make a plan. At some point they'll open those doors, and we have to be ready for them"

* * *

 

We pulled up and were stopped by the damn jobs worth guards on the wall.

"You're not scheduled for a visit until tonight" one of them shouted. I had Abra in my arms, what the fuck all else did he need? A fuckin' hall pass? I approached the gates, gestured at Abra with my head.

"She's pregnant n she's bleedin' n if you don't let us in we're gonna get in anyway, n then I ain't gonna be held responsible for what I do" I said through gritted teeth. Reluctantly they pulled the ropes n opened the gates. Jesus was rushin' down from the big house. He could suck my ass.

"Abra?" He was callin', but she weren't answerin', she was in too much pain.

"Carson!" I yelled at him, n he hesitated a moment before runnin' off.

Charlie was lookin' around wide eyed, but with Abra growing heavy in my arms, I couldn't assure him. I looked helplessly at Denise, n she took my boys hand.  
I was thankful we were surrounded by good people.

The doctor came from the big house in his pyjamas. They flapped around his narrow legs as he ran behind Jesus. Jesus offered to take Abra from me, let me rest my arms, but I declined. I was still unsure about him. He backed off a little, n we went to the infirmary.

Denise span off everythin' she knew about the situation, while Abra lay on a gurney apologisin' for gettin' him up so early. He hushed her, n scanned her, n listened in on what the baby was doin'.

We all waited, me n Charlie holdin' her hands, Jesus for some reason thinkin' he had a right to know, too.

"Baby's fine" the Doctor said finally. "Heartbeat's a little fast but I think it's due to your stress levels." Abra started cryin', squeezed my hand in a vice grip and dragged Charlie in close to her. A weight lifted from my shoulders, and as I finally let myself realise how worry I had been I almost started to cry myself. there was more for the doctor to tell us.

"You need to just relax." He said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world "the bleeding's heavier than normal but some women bleed early on and have period pain-like cramps. You're just exacerbating the whole experience with the level of pressure you've been under. Stay home, sleep, hold something warm on your belly to ease the pain, and you can take Tylenol without affecting baby." Abra apologised again, but Carson waved her off

"You did the right thing" he said, turnin' to me "but get her home and in bed. No more run in's with kidnappers," he chuckled, he had a weird sense of humour.

It was gettin' her back that caused all the problems. We were almost half way when the tyres on the van blew out, n I'm pretty sure it weren't an accident. I was suddenly pretty sure we were bein' watched the whole damn time.


	2. Chapter 2

With the Tylenol starting to work Abra sat up front with me n Charlie on the way home.

"Y'ok?" I asked her several times, n she wiped at her face, turnin' to me with a small smile.

"I'm good. A little Uncomfortable, but ok"

"Don't cry, mama" Charlie said, holdin' her hand and revertin' to his name for her when he was small. How he knew that'd comfort her I don't know. She gave him that same small smile, her free hand now back on her belly, which still showed no sign of change.

We were half way, there abouts, the atmosphere in the van calm, not as urgent as it was on the way out. We even drove at a slower pace. No need to waste fuel n put us all in danger.

Then the tyres rolled over somethin' I'd missed in the dim mornin' light, bumpin' hard. Abra drew in a sharp breath through her teeth, Denise let out a yelp behind us, n I started to lose control of the van as the passenger side was screwed.

I knew what to do, lose speed naturally, keep my feet off the brake n throttle, concentrate on steerin'. It was great in theory, but ya never expect a double blow out at the worst of times, n the steerin' was heavy, pullin' hard to one side.

Eventually we stopped, n I got out to see exactly what I expected, exactly what we didn't need. I opened the passenger door, lookin' at Abra apologetically.

"C'n ya walk?" I asked her, thinkin' we'd find a car on the way, if we stayed close to the road. She nodded, climbin' from the car n helpin' Charlie out. Rosita n Denise joined us on the road.

"Is this right?" Rosita started "Abra's sick, Charlie is 7, and no offence Denise but you're not experienced. We've seen that. We proved it already" Charlie narrowed his eyes at her, but kept his mouth shut, polite like his mother.

"She's right" Abra said, "I don't know how far I can go, I couldn't walk all the way." She ruffled Charlie's hair "Denise me and Charlie will stay here. You'll be faster without us." I thought about that. We'd be safer all together. Abra could look after herself, was she well enough to look after the other two? She reached out for me, n took my hand.  
"This is why I wanted my weapons. Just in case. I'm feeling better. We'll be safer the quicker you are. We'll be OK. We will" she squeezed my hand a little then turned to the van,

"Abs" I said, "there's people out here, they might be watchin'. Ya comin' with us" Rosita rolled her eyes, but I ignored her. "I'd feel better. We're safer together" Abra thought a moment before nodding. I don't know what she thought. That she wanted to keep the peace, that I was right, that not doin' what I asked caused all manner of problems so far?

"Ok." She said, squeezing my hand again "Ok let's go" n we started the long walk home, hopin' we wouldn't have to go so far on foot.

* * *

 

I continued to watch the rise and fall of Daryl's chest, satisfied now that he was alive, even if his breaths did seem fast and too shallow.

"What do you suggest?" I asked Rosita without looking up. We had no weapons, the knife I usually concealed somewhere lying at home, forgotten in our rush. We had limited movement, bound and tied like pigs for the slaughter.

"We could rush them, they gotta open the doors at some point" I shook my head, still watching Daryl.

"No, there's more of them than us. We rush them, say we get away? There's Daryl unconscious and God only knows where Charlie is. No. We can't" Rosita threw her head back against the wall of vehicle

"Maybe if you'd stayed behind like I suggested, this would be a whole other story" I shook my head at her

"Too late now"

"Yeah" she said angrily "you always think about the consequences after the fact. You don't give a shit about anything except what Abra wants" I laughed bitterly

"They were watching us, Rosita, they would have grabbed us any way we left it back there. I'm not leaving Daryl and Charlie behind." I paused a moment " I'm sorry," she looked at me sharply, eyes narrow.

"Stop" but I continued

"I am, I'm so sorry for what Abraham did to you, I think he's an ass for being so mean about it. But it's not your fault, it is not my fault, and I'm not going to be spoken to like crap because you're hurting. They have my son, and they shot my husband. I'm not leaving them behind. I'm not leaving you or Denise behind." I sighed. Rosita looked at the ceiling, Denise sat behind me, not uttering a sound. The vehicle started up and started moving.

Daryl let out a burst of coughs.

* * *

 

What struck me as odd at first was the level of walker activity. We walked, painfully slowly, for a good coupla hours n only saw one, n it was already put down. It put me on high alert, n Abra seemed to have noticed too, grabbin' Charlie's hand. I started thinkin' they shoulda stayed back, but it was gettin' lighter by the minute, n soon the sun would be high enough for us to feel safer there in the trees.

Maybe we shoulda stayed on the road, but the line of sight from all around was too good

I think we were screwed either way. I don't think we had any choice in what happened that day.

As the day got brighter, Abra started sufferin' again, pains comin' on a little stronger, she didn't want to take any more Meds havin' not eaten. So I made the decision that maybe I shoulda done in the first place.

"You guys wait here, in the shade'a the trees" I said to Denise n Abra. "Rosita n me'll carry on a bit, maybe an hour, see what we see. If there's nothin' we'll some back, if we find a car we'll pull up just through there, I'll whistle" Abra nodded, Denise just stared at me blankly, frightened. Charlie was stoic. Ready to defend his mom at a moment's notice. "Got ya gun" I said to Charlie, handin' it over, n he checked the safety before tuckin' it into the back of his pants. Abra pulled a face, but she knew it was right. She din't know he'd done any gun trainin', but the fact he checked the safety was probly enough to sate her worries.

"Be careful" she said, leanin' back against a tree trunk n rubbin' her guts, hard n slow. I nodded, we were past safety now, the whole thing'd gone to shit, but what could I do?

"Just stay put, 'til I whistle" I said, then bent down to Charlie "ok?" I asked him, n he nodded firmly.

Me n Rosita carried on walkin', not lookin' behind, just lookin' forward. Maybe if i'd'a turned back... But it doesn't matter now, what's done is done.

* * *

 

As he woke up I shuffled so I was in his view, hoping I could make him feel a little better by being there.

"Hey you" I managed, smiling despite our messed up situation. "Remember anything?" He looked at me, his skin turning grey and his hair still slick with sweat and now dust.

"Sonuvva bitch... Shot me" he said quietly, but angrily. "Sonuvva bitch!" I nudged him with my leg.

"Yeah, but you're alive." I looked around us. "We're in a vehicle, some kind of truck, n I don't know where we're goin', but they have Charlie." I said, my voice running fast to fill him in. "I don't know what to do Daryl, we've got no weapons, we've got nothing" he looked at me, tried to sit up but couldn't manage it. Then the vehicle stopped and the doors  in back flew open, and the blond was there, looking just as smug as the cat that got the cream.

"I shoulda killed ya" Daryl rasped, n blondie laughed

"Yeah, maybe ya shoulda. But don't worry, everything's gonna come to a head, and it'll all make sense. I think ya might like what we got, uh, lined up for ya"

* * *

 

I whistled. Nothing came back. We waited n they didn't come, so I dragged a very pissed off Rosita back into the trees to find them.

I noticed the scuffs in the mud first, Charlie bein' dragged against his will, my heart began to pound, resonating in my head like a painless headache. Then Abra's foot prints, light and widely spaced. She was runnin'. I looked up, n saw her tied to a tree, Denise tied beside her. Abra was shakin', scared, or in pain. Her eyes flicked to the side n then grew wide as I went to move forward, then I heard him behind me, so lost in my panic I didn't hear him approaching.

"Hello Daryl" he said, n I turned to him, about to ask him what the fuck, I was so angry he'd gone for innocent people, but he pulled a gun on me, n the next thing I remember is wakin' up in the truck.

* * *

 

As they ripped off our bindings I lashed out, it was foolish, and rendered me with a black eye given by blondie himself, but I couldn't help it.

"Where is my son?!" I yelled, pushing at these men who'd taken him, kicking and punching with all the strength I had - not that that was much. That's when he pushed the guy in front of me out the way, and cracked me with a right hook.

"Don't make this too easy princess" he said as I staggered back to my feet. "Sit down, don't make me knock you down. He's ok. Honest, you can trust me" he started laughing again, and the doors were slammed closed in my face.

I kicked and punched at them, screaming and shouting. Daryl, looking like shit and probably feeling much worse, took my arm stopping me. His look said everything, dont waste the energy. I might need it.

My knuckles were bleeding, I felt faint. I sat down, and cried, completely helpless, with Daryl just holding my arm.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings of severe violence to follow, and death. 
> 
> I bring you my version of Negan.
> 
> This isn't necessarily what I think happened, just something that could have.

I stared blankly at the body next to me on the floor, the screams of my family fading to nothing but white noise. Now unrecognisable. Head caved in so far I could see the asphalt beneath. Hair matted with blood and bone.  
My friend. My... I turned and threw up behind myself.

That's when he pointed the bat at me

"This one. Bring this fucking one to papa" Negan was gleeful, Daryl cried out, Negan turned to him. "You, shut the fuck up. What are ya gonna do? You've seen what I'm willing to do. So shut the fuck up or she'll be next." I was roughly lifted to my feet. "Half your shit" Negan was saying, his face close to Rick's, "one week. We might even bring the girl back if you behave yourselves"

I was dragged towards the truck, and though I tried so hard to fight back I was weak, and sick, and part of me knew they'd have Charlie.

Somewhere they'd have my boy.

* * *

We were thrown on the floor, n forced to kneel. I was surprised to see Rick, Michonne, Glenn, Maggie, Sasha, shit everyone was there. Everyone.

I half expected a fanfare when Negan finally threw open the door of the RV and paraded down the steps with a baseball bat on his shoulder. I looked at Abra beside me. She was frightened, but she sat tall, she was pale, havin' used what energy she had to beat up the damn truck. She flicked her eyes at me, gave me a single shallow nod. It was enough. It had to be enough.  
This guy, this Negan, he was big, and he was insane.

"I'm gonna slide my dick right Down your throat, And you're gonna thank me for it" he was saying to Rick, but I kept my eyes on Abra. I couldn't do much else. Even Rick was shittin' himself, n even without knowin' what led them here, I knew that was cause for concern. so I looked at Abra as Negan prattled on about new world order, n how all our shit was his, like he was God n we were his damned sheep.  
Nah. It weren't happenin'. One way or another this was goin' to end. Abra didn't look at me again, wouldn't look at me.

"I don't wanna fucking kill any of you people" Negan said "but you don't fucking learn" he swung the bat in front of him. "This, this is Lucille, Lucille is fucking awesome." He looked at the bat like a lover. He was stark raving mad. How could a guy like that lead a team of hundreds, how?

"I just need to choose who gets the fucking honour." He looked at us all in turn. "Jesus fucked," he said to Abra, n though it hurt to do so, I sat a little straighter "there is a list of things I would do to you, killing you is not the fucking top of that list" he chuckled to himself "still on it, though. Heh"

"Don't" I managed to rasp, though I could barely move, I tried to be as threatenin' as I could. "Don't fucking touch her" Negan looked at me, leant down with his hands on his knees

"What are you gonna do little man? You gonna stop me? You can try. Don't make this easy, don't fucking talk. I'm enjoying myself. You killed a bunch of my men, poof, burned them to nothing. You do NOT get to talk." He looked me up n down, standin' straight. "Je-sus you look shit. Fuck. I should just put you out of your misery" Abra yelled then, as did Rick.

"No"

"We don't have to do this"

"Look" Negan turned away from me, headed for Rick in the centre of the line "I've been nice, I've been forgiving, I've let you all have your emotional outbursts. It's sad, it's scary, but Jesus fucking Christ stop being a bunch of pussies and let me get on with my shit. I don't like it, but I said you've gotta fucking learn. Fuckity shit fuck! I can't decide. I cannot decide!"

* * *

I was put in the front of the truck this time, had the passenger seat all to myself. I tried the door, but of course it was locked, the internal lock mechanism nothing but a nub I'd never get my fingers around. So I sat, waiting for whatever Hell Negan could bring upon us next. I was already distraught. Nothing they could do or say would make it worse unless they touched Charlie.

Daryl was safe, as the saviours were leaving. Rick and Maggie and Carl... My breath caught in my throat.

"It's alright" the door beside me opened and to my absolute horror Negan got in. "You'll be fine" he said jovially. "Can you hold this?" He tried to hand me his bat, and I flung myself into the passenger door, hoping to get as far away from it as I could, brains and skull still hanging tentatively from the barbed wire around the end.

Negan laughed heartily.

* * *

He started speakin' a nursery rhyme I vaguely remembered hearin' as a kid.

Eenie.  
meenie.  
mynie.  
moe.

It just proved his insanity to me. Choosin' a victim this way, it was callous n cold. N no one tried to stop him, no one said a word, as one by one he pointed that damned bat of his at us.

Eenie, meenie, mynie, moe.

But what could we do, surrounded, outnumbered, a few of us with no experience at all, the rest with enough to just sit down n shut up.

I looked that prick right in the eye when he pointed that shit at me. I wanted to remember his goddamned face. Not that I was likely to forget, not with what happened next.

Somehow, for some unknown reason, I thought it was a bluff. I thought the bat'd land on 'it' and Negan would laugh n go home.

He laughed alright. The dick was fuckin' joyful.

The sound is what I remember most. Not how he looked after, not the gut wrenching screams that ripped through my family, but the sound of that bat connecting with Glenn's head n the soft matter beneath his skull.

A wet sound.

When Glenn tried to get up, I don't know what was goin' through his head, maybe nothin' maybe he was already brain damaged. I hope he was, I hope the first hit was all he felt. He certainly didn't feel the last few, he was long gone before Negan stopped using him for battin practice, grinning like a madman n swingin' like a champ.

Abra was covered in speckles of shit, n I tried to stop her, told her no, but she looked at him, really looked at the guy who was with me when she was first found a million years ago, in a makeshift lean to.

She turned n vomited.

I could hardly blame her. If I had the energy I woulda done the same.

Then it was over, a few more words of advice from Lord Negan n we were free to go. It was surreal, dreamlike. The worst nightmare I'd ever had, n I'd had a few.

We had to take Glenn home, pick him up, n get him home to be buried. I couldn't help, I wanted to but, I couldn't help I was in no state to do anythin'. Denise was on me the moment she could be, feelin', proddin' poking around n I just wanted to tell her to get the fuck offa me.

"They have Abra, Charlie" I said to Rick, as if he din't know, catchin' him before Maggie stormed up, face fulla  snot n tears n smacking him up side the head. He did nothin', he took it, he let her lay a barrage of shit on him.  I din't know if he did that for Maggie, or for Glenn, or that he had just...gone... somewhere deep inside himself, a place I knew we all had. I knew that too well.

But he couldn't get lost in that place, we had to get back and make a plan to get Abra n my boy, we had to bury Glenn n make a plan.

* * *

"I know you" I said quietly in the truck cab, Lucille lying on the seat next to me, looking threatening in the shadows. Negan let out a little laugh.

"You don't know shit, Princess" He chuckled again.

"No" I whispered. "I've met you a hundred times before." He turned to me, appearing confused, and I managed a small smile. "You're scared, and you're weak, and you're going to die at the hands of my family" He looked at me a long moment before bursting into roaring laughter, it echoed around the dark and quiet cab, bouncing off the walls and assaulting my ears. but I sat quiet, a smile still pulling at my mouth.

I had him pegged, I was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :(


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for a huge amount of Negan swearing.

We headed for Hilltop, Rick decided we should continue our journey, let them know what was happenin', take advantage of having two doctors, maybe rally some people together.

He was angry Gregory hadn't been so open about exactly what we were dealin' with with Negan.

Maggie started talkin' 'bout stayin' there. It was madness, what would Alexandria do without her?

"I know you're angry, but you're not thinking straight" Rick told her "Alexandria needs you. I need you" Maggie glared at him, I thought maybe she'd rain shit on him again, but she stayed tight lipped. She weren't burnin' her bridges. Other than that it was a quiet, mournful drive. I wondered what the hell else could happen to us, especially now the group's morality was about halved with Glenn dead.

I didn't wanna seem self centred, but my mind kept wanderin' to Abra n Charlie n my baby. Abra didn't have her drugs, n the bleedin' could start again. That was probably the least of her worries though.

"Oh god! Maggie said suddenly, turnin' to me "Did you get to Carson? How's Abra and the baby?" I nodded at her

"Baby's fine, or it was. Bleedin's excessive but not abnormal." She took my hand n squeezed it, a warm smile on her face. "I'm so sorry Maggie" she nodded a single nod with her smile turning tight lipped.

"Yeah, I know. We'll get him. We'll get Abra and Charlie back and _we'll make him pay_ for what he did" her voice was venomous, and I believed every word she said more because of it.

* * *

I was thrown into a room, I want to call it a cell, that's what they meant it to be, a standard prison issue cot in the corner, complete with lumpy mattress, a toilet that looked like it had definitely seen better days.

"My son" I said, Negan standing at the door, as if he was about to close it when I asked. He grinned his hellish grin, looking at me.

"Oh the little dusty-blonde kid. He's cute" I felt my eyes narrow and my lip curl, clenching my fists at my side.

"If you so much as _touch_ a hair on his head..." I started, but he spoke over me.

"Oh, Jesus fuck, _no_!" He cut me off "What do you think we _are_?" He actually had the audacity to look disgusted at me "Charlie's fine. I like him. Might keep him for myself" he started laughing his roaring guffaws as the door slammed in my face. I threw myself at it, hammering with my already bloody fists.

"You won't get away with this!" I yelled.

"Shut up" I heard outside "get some sleep" I hit the door again for good measure, as pain ripped through my lower abdomen. In my rage I forgot the doctor's words about rest. These saviours had taken my Meds, an there was nothing I could do for the pain except curl up small on the cot in the corner. I did so, trying my best to rest, wondering how long it would be before Rick, Daryl, Michonne, and everyone would arrive to take back the world order, destroying Negan for what he did to Glenn, and taking me and Charlie home.

Glenn.

I sighed. The first friendly face I saw after Ben died, the guy who told Daryl to ask me the questions, convinced Daryl I was harmless. If it wasn't for him... Who knows where I'd have ended up. Not 8 weeks pregnant and kidnapped, for the 4th time in my life.

For some reason I believed that Charlie was ok, though he wasn't a biological part of me I was sure I would know if he wasn't. Just like with the baby inside me, just like I did with Daryl.

Eventually, I must have fallen asleep.

* * *

 

Rick met with Gregory, whose first instinct was to ensure our deal wasn't broken, n that the saviours had no idea of what we had planned with the hilltop. Rick punched him right in the face, screamed at him for being so cold at such a time, with Glenn's body still warm on the RV. Maggie turned away from it, couldn't bear to hear the words said out loud. Glenn was gone.

Dr Carlson patched me up, checked us all over, n then we left. Jesus decided to come with us, much to my dismay, but I was happy Maggie was still undecided n came home too.

"I will get them back for what they did to Glenn" Rick said to her quietly as we loaded back up. "I will. You mark my words, they will not get away with this"

"Negan actually turned up?" Jesus asked me as we rolled away leaving Hilltop far behind. I nodded, grunted the positive, not wanting t speak to him. All this saviour shit became more of a big deal since finding him on the road. I wished we never did. That Dwight prick I could have dealt with myself. Should've. "We were starting to think he was just a myth" he said with a small laugh. We all turned to him, now was not the time to be laughin'

"He ain't" I spat, "n now he's got Abra n Charlie n my unborn kid, Glenn's... Gone... He _ain't_ a myth. He ain't just a boogeyman neither" I was referrng to an earlier thought. Negan was more a force to be reckoned with than any of us knew.

"Why ain't we makin' plans I asked Rick as we pulled up to home. "Why've we left it half a day n not decided nothin'" he turned to me, lookin' defeated before we even started.

"We'll talk" he said quietly "right now we need to bury our dead" I narrowed my eyes at him, nodded shallowly

"A'right. But for all we know he ain't the only one" Rick shook his head

"Daryl I'm takin' this a step at a time." He looked around the RV as the gates opened "Get everyone together. We'll hold a service for Glenn." He turned back to me "I can't do this now." He said sullenly, n though I was angry, I understood. He went to leave the RV but was accosted by Carl

"Dad, they gotta be stopped. People are counting on you" Rick swallowed and stared his son in the eye.

"Well, maybe they shouldn't" Carl was aghast, callin' after his dad as he left the vehicle, but Rick was instantly taken aside by Gabriel. I listened to what was said, The saviours had arrived and tried to attack, they didn't get on, but they seemed to be warnin' is just how far they were willin to go to get us to bow to them.

Carl looked thoughtful, but I assured him.

"We ain't kneelin' kid. I'll speak to him" 

* * *

I woke up when the door banged into the wall. I expected Negan to be standing before me, but it was a man I didn't recognise. He was swaying on his feet, drunk.

I'd barely moved when he stumbled forward, not shutting the door, and fell upon me heavily, his hands instantly all over my body. I struggled to get him off, his hands pulling at the waistband of my pants.

"Settle down bitch" he breathed at me, putrid with the smell of alcohol, "It'll all be over soon" He reached and drew a gun from his hip, and waved it haphazardly in my face. "I can make it quick, or I can make it slow" I swallowed bile that rose in my mouth, pretty certain he was so drunk he wouldn't make it at all. He chuckled, using his free hand to struggle at my waist again. I thought about bringing my knee up into his groin, but then his hand was in my underwear, and he as gleeful at how wet I appeared to be.

Little did he know I was bleeding again.

"What in the holy fuck is this!?" I heard from the door, then stamping across the floor and the guy on top of me was lifted by his neck by Negan. "What the fuck?!" He asked again. "We don't rape, Connor. How the fuck can we build a decent society if ya gonna go raping the fucking women? Shit, We're not fuckig animals." I pulled myself back together in a rush while they exchanged curses.

"She wanted it fucking begged for it" The guy now on the floor said huskily. Negan span to me, eyebrows raised.

"You wanted to fuck this little turd-bucket?" I shook my head vehemently, Negan nodded, turned back to connor, grabbing his gun as fast as lightening and shot him in the face. I cried out, it was so unexpected. More men arrived at the door hearing the shot. Negan instructed the men that arrived to dispose of Connor, but as they moved forward with him in their arms he stopped them, looking cloosely at Connor's hand.

"Did he hurt you?" he asked, waving the body away and turning to me. I shook my head.

"No." He nodded thoughtfully.

"Period?" I laughed, it wasnt a conversation that I expected to be having.  "What the fuck's funny?" He asked, appearing honestly intrigued.

"I'm pregnant" I said. "Your men stole the tablets that will stop the cramps and bleeding I've been having since a couple of your women kidnapped me, and I had to kill them" he appeared thoughtful, rubbing the space between his eyebrows with his thumb. I expected him to lash out.

"Well shit" he said after a moment. "Fine, you can have your pills. I aint gonna kill an unborn fucking kid. Fuck." I nodded at him, torn and confused about what was going on here.

"Thanks" I managed, and he looked at me, dropping his hand from his face.

"Princess, you ain't here to hurt _you_ " He said, his face completely innocent.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweary Negan is the main warning,   
> I have also taken some stuff from the comics and mixed it up to fit my needs. Sorry comic book fans.   
> Maybe spoilers, who knows yet? 
> 
> Enjoy x

"Normal fucking circumstances would dic-fucking-tate that I ask you to be a wife. You get special treatment, and you get to sit on my dick or my face on occasion." Negan had taken to showing me around, after a woman had approached my cell and given me sanitary products, while Negan told me to 'clean myself up, for fuck's sake'.

He was unnerving, so backhandedly courteous, constantly swearing, swinging that damned bat of his. "But don't think I ain't fucking noticed your already married. That's a fucking shame, shit, let's face it, you're definitely a fuckable little bitch." He sighed. "But you're already married, I see the ring." He laughed mightily "and you've been duffed up by one of Rick's pricks." He chuckled "ooh I like that, Rick's pricks."

He stopped at a closed door, took the handle and gestured at me.

"ladies first" opening the door so I could make my way in to the big room. It was full of them, saviours, and my heart sank that there could still be so many. "It's the corn-fed redneck right?" He said, shutting the door. "He the daddy?" I narrowed my eyes at him, not about to give him answers. "You see, he's the right hand man. I figure, to break your dick sucking leader, we gotta break his team. To break his fucking team we start with the right hand man." He was still chuckling as he pointed Lucille at me. "To break a man you have to go through his vagina." He gestured with his bat at me

"Would you hold this? She doesn't like sitting on the dirty floor, she's a lady" I hesitated, but took the bat gingerly from him. "Nice, ooh she likes that, yeah, my lucille Lezzing up for me" he turned to the room, pushing up his sleeves. "Princess" he said to me "you're the vagina. It's a long line of connection, I know that, but Jesus, fucked, sometimes you gotta go the long way around." He smiled to himself, looked upon his men and women gathered in the room.  
"Where's mark?" He asked, and a man was brought forward, his hands tied, a woman behind him was crying helplessly. "This here is mark," he turned to me as he spoke "Mark was caught fucking one of my wives. Weren't you" the man nodded, I assumed the crying woman was the wife.

"Now, Mark knows he can't do that, I'm in charge," he turned to the blond I recognised "Tie him down, Dwight" he said gruffly, and the blond and some others tied Mark to a chair. "Mark broke the rules!" He commanded their full attention whenever he opened his mouth, it was fascinating. "Why do we have rules Saviours?" And they answered as one voice, in perfect unison.

"THE RULES KEEP US ALIVE" I was astounded. They were like a cult.

As I watched, still holding Lucille as loosely as I dare, Negan was handed an old style iron, which he took in his gloved hand and pressed against mark's face. Mark screamed, the sound was dreadful, and the smell took me back to the prison, where we had time to burn the dead undead. I wondered if Dwight had fraternised with a wife, and I caught him looking slyly at a pretty woman in the back of the room. She looked away quickly.

Their small amount of eye contact assured me my thoughts were correct.

The girl who was sobbing was now a snivelling wreck, feeling guilty and scared of what her fate would be. Negan handed the iron to someone else, turned to the crying woman and said

"Amber, being with me is voluntary, and you can stay with Mark if you wish, but you know I will not be cheated on. You make your decision, me or him." Still with her face wet and tears in her eyes she looked longingly at Negan and whispered

"I stay with you Negan. I love you" he ignored the last, turned to Mark and asked if he was ok. Mark actually nodded, his blackened face bobbing statically.

"I'm sorry" Negan said "but rules are rules." He turned back to me and took Lucille from my hands. "It's how we can get back to civilisation. Rules keep every mother fucker in line, everyone knows where they are with the rules." He gestured we leave the room,

"I'm guessing you wanna see the kid?" I stopped following, and he noticed, turning back to me "He's fine, but you're fucking right as rain to be sceptical. You get nothing for free, Princess" I narrowed my eyes at him, heart banging in my chest "I'm gonna need that wedding ring of yours"

* * *

We held Glenn's memorial in the chapel, with Father Gabriel leading the service. We buried him in our ever growing cemetery, Hershel standing at his mother's side, bravely. I looked at him n my mind wandered to Charlie. Was he alive? Was he hurtin'? My chest felt heavy and tight, like I couldn't get enough air, n I had to leave, had to.

Rick followed me, noddin' towards his house, indicatin' I go in with him.

"What's happenin' here?" I asked him, confused and concerned. "We ain't kneelin', are we?" He shook his head n spoke very quietly.

"No" he eyed me carefully "but I need them," he pointed towards the outside, the street, Alexandria "to think I am, it's safer they don't know." He took a breath. "Daryl, it's gonna look like I'm giving in and backing down. I'm not...I'm not." I nodded at him.

"What are we gonna do?" I asked, and a small smile spread on his face.

"We're going to find the sanctuary, Jesus knows where it is, and we're going to fuck them up" I nodded again, likin' the idea, "we'll get Abra and Charlie, and your baby'll be fine. But Negan? His saviours? They're going to be lulled into a false sense of security for now."

 

We talked with Jesus, he agreed with us that no one should know the plan, "the less people know, the less they can give away" he noted, nodding at Rick.

"If it's any consolation, I don't think he'd hurt Abra. I think he'll keep her, but he has these rules. She and Charlie are most likely safe." But most likely wasn't enough for me. Most likely also meant there was a slight chance that they weren't ok, n that was not an option.

"Ya need to tell us how to get there," I said "N then we go n get my family back" but Rick was shakin' his head.

"We need to bide our time, we need them to believe we're weakened." I chewed my lip, time was draggin' as it was, we couldn't wait forever.

"He leads by fear" Jesus said "he gets the word out about himself to others and creates this myth about himself, like an old story passed down through generations, and his men treat him like their God." Jesus was talking directly to Rick. Rick nodded

"It won't last, then. If he is feared rather than trusted it'll never work"

"Your people trust you, Rick. They'll stand by whatever they perceive you decide. But the Saviours are just scared into submission. Eventually they'll crack." I nodded, leanin' forward

"Cracks're already showin'. Those guys I met, the one that shot at Denise, n then captured me n the girls, he already tried to leave once, came back out after goin' back with his face all melted."  
Rick looked at me curious, Jesus face was calm n serious. Rick leaned away from me.

"We'll talk more later. We gotta go back to normal as much as we can for now. Don't tell anyone else what you know"

* * *

 Charlie was, for all intents and purposes, absolutely fine, if a little tear streaked.

They'd kept him in Negan's quarters, a plush corner of this place, decorated no doubt to Negan's own requirements. I was surprised by the book case, which intrigued me as an avid reader back before the prison fell.

"Mama?" Charlie ran towards me, having been sitting on a couch looking incredibly forlorn. I went into my knees and hugged him hard, then looked him over, head to toe and back again, checking every inch of him for a sign he'd been hurt. He put his little hands on my face and looked curiously at my swollen eye.

"I fucking told you he's ok" Negan said, amused I didn't trust him.

"Mr Negan's been alright, mom. He gave me a sandwich" I nodded at Charlie.

"I know he's been nice sweetheart but Negan's friend shot daddy and punched Mommy in the face. He doesn't deserve your respect. No Mr's here" Charlie's face dropped as I realise what I'd said in my haste

"Dad?" He asked, with a watery quality to his voice. I shook my head firmly and forced a smile.

"Dad's fine. He's at home. But that sandwich you ate was probably stolen. What have I told you about strangers?" Charlie looked at the floor. Mumbled a sorry. "Ok baby," I stood and turned to Negan who was entertained by the whole thing.

"That is so precious, he sounds just like that hick of a father of his."

"My son goes home" I said, trying to be firm but shaking as I squared up to this monster of a man, his baseball bat still lighting his shoulder. "Do what you want with me, but he goes home" Negan eyed me suspiciously for a few seconds before grinning and laughing his mighty laugh.

"Eventually you'll be at home here anyway, might as well stay" he hefted up Lucille and looks at her a moment before swinging her around, I cringed, and to my horror Charlie looked completely in awe, having no idea of what had happened.

"Ok, ok. I'll take the fucking kid back to Alexandria. He's no good to me, he can't work, and his accent grates on my fucking bones." He stopped swinging the bat, and gently held it under my chin, almost touching my skin with the metal barbs. "But for now you stay. I have a use for you, oh yes I do." He put Lucille back on his shoulder. "You can sleep in your cell, we'll head out with Charlie boy in the morning" 

* * *

 Negan arrived the next morning, three days early, n happy as a pig in shit.

He was allowed to stroll in, make his way around our community. The townspeople feared him, and Rick'd made it clear that for now, Negan was in charge.

"My wife n my kid" I yelled at him as he strolled round with that damn bat on his shoulder n an entourage of cronies.

"Oh, yeah" He said with a hideous smile "I cant wait for you to see what I've done with the sexy wife and the cute little boy" I lunged at him, screw Rick, screw the pain in my shoulder, but Dwight was there, Negan's right fuckin arm, n he held a gun in my face

"You back up now Daryl, dont make me have to kill you" Negan brushed Dwight's arm away, nodded at another of his men who ran off.

"If you so much as damage a hair on their heads," I gritted my teeth to keep from launchin' at him again "I will not"

"DAD!" I was interrupted, n Charlie ran at me like a stampedin' rhino, I knelt and he crashed into me like a ton of bricks. I hugged him, hard, Strong 'nuff for him to complain "Cant breathe"

"Aww, melts ya heart, doesn't it?" Negan was wipin' away a fake tear. I sneered at him, n he walked away, gaffawin' like a mad man. Then he stopped, on his way to our food stores, rubbed inbetween his eyebrows with his thumb.

"Oh!" He feigned surprise "Fuck my ass, I almost forgot" He put his and in his pants pocket n threw somethin' at me, which I instinctively caught. He started laughin' again and headed off on his way.

I looked at what I had, cold and hard in my hand. I almost dropped it disgusted.

A finger, grey and green with decay, Abra's ring glittering and sparklin' near the open wound at one end.


	6. Chapter 6

They took Ammo, all our abusable meds, complained about usin' bullets against walkers.

"Brings the undead right to your doorstep" Negan mused as they were leavin', "gotta save the bullets for the living threat" But Rick had told Jesus n me his idea, which would make bullets the very thing we needed to use. We were the only three that knew, for now. Negan needed longer to think we were under his weird spell.

When they left, Rick was on me in an instant, asking to see the damn finger. 

"It's hers?" he asked me, n I honestly didn't know. It looked like it'd been dead a while, but the nail was long n strong like hers, she didn't like to clip 'em n had never bitten them so far as I knew. He looked at it closely, at one point I thought he might sniff it, He looked suitably disgusted.

"I can't tell" I shrugged, "Could well be. It's her ring, n it fits perfect. Tell ya what, if it is hers, he's gonna lose more'n a finger himself" Rick nodded at me, handin' the vile thing back. I took the ring from it, wonderin' what I was gonna do with the digit itself.

"We'll sort this" Rick said, "Get Charlie home, I think he's had enough fun for a while" I took Charlie home, drilled him about Abra, n Negan's 'Sanctuary'

"There's a lotta them dad. Hundreds. N Mr. um, n Negan, he seems nice, but mom said he's not nice. Mom said his friend shot ya." I nodded at him, so he had seen Abra. I ruffled his hair, n wanted to pull him close to me again. I resisted, but not by much, runnin' my hand down his arm n holdin' his hand.

"I love ya" I said to him, "n I missed ya" He pulled a face at me, but answered anyway.

"I missed ya too dad. They still have mom" I nodded, my heart speedin' up a little "Mr, um, that Negan guy, he don't wanna hurt her, he said that, I heard him. I was no good to him, but he said mom was." What the hell could he want Abra for?

"How?"

"Um, I dunno, just said he had a job for her, n I was useless cause I'm not big n strong, not yet, anyway, but I will be. I'm gonna be big n strong like him, n then I'll... I'll smack him with his own stupid bat" I chuckled, but his face was deadly serious.  I wondered about tellin' him about Glenn, his best friend's dad, but I didn't know where to start with that gem. I needed Abra here, she'd know what to do. Charlie scratched his head n looked at me very seriously again.

"Dad?" I looked at his little face, his dark blue eyes n the hair danglin' in front of them. "Ya gonna go n get mom back, ain't'cha?" I nodded at him, standing up

"Damn straight I am."

* * *

I sat in that hateful room, listening to their vehicles pull up in the lot outside. I closed my eyes as the doors opened and closed and the bastards got out and came back home, with half the stuff my family had collected to keep us safe and alive. Items and belongings people had got themselves killed collecting. Taken from Alexandria, like it was that  easy, like they wouldn't have to pay for what they were doing.

My finger itched like a bitch. I looked at my bandaged hand, frustrated that it was an itch I could never scratch. Never again. Maybe the feeling would wear off, the nerves would realise that my finger was just a memory, a dream.

I should have been thankful it wasnt my hand or whole arm. I didn't need my ring finger to fight, shoot, eat, live. It was just one finger, on my left hand for gods sake, not even the right one.

But I was still, in that moment, upset about it. He'd used his hotiron to cauterise it, braying like a donkey all the while until I passed out from the pain.

I knew what Negan wanted it for, I knew where my finger was. It bothered me that now Daryl would be an angry mess out of control of his emotions, and more highly likely to get himself killed.

Over a finger.

I sighed, looking up as the door opened, Negan stood there with a smile on his face. All I could think in that moment was ripping his leather glove off his hand and sucking on it. Stupid baby. 

"Daryl liked the gift" He strolled in, still with that stupid bat "Think he fucking misses you. Thought it'd be nice for him to have something to remember you by." I felt my lip curl,

"Get fucked" I said, turning away from his abhorrent face, and the sweet smell of his glove and jacket taunting me. He burst into his loud and all encompassing laugh.

"Don't mind if I do! You offering?" I gave my own half laugh

"You couldn't handle me" I said, still sneering and wondering if I'd actually lost my mind. His face changed, became cold and hard, it was the first time I had seen him serious.

"Don't fucking push me bitch. Don't push me. You won't fucking like it if I fall over the edge" His eyes were large, the whites almost overtaking his face, and I felt myself shrink away from him, into the wall beside the cot I sat on.

I knew he was crazy, but in that moment he actually looked like a psycho.

I pushed further into the wall, my back pressed against it, not sure if the beast I had awakened within him was here to stay, not knowing if he'd break his own rules and either beat me to hell or  rape me to teach me a lesson. There was no way I could fight him off, he was big and looked heavy. 

But he smiled again, a chilling smile that sent a shiver down my backbone. Somehow I knew if he was smiling I was safer. He'd happily chop off my extremities but he'd let me live if he was smiling. 

"You won't get away with this" I managed quietly, and he was suddenly hee hawing like a damned ass again.

"oh I already am, Princess! Got half of all the Alexandrian delights being brought in to this place right now. I knocked on the fucking door and swung my big fucking dick and they let me roll right in. No resistance, no nothing. Your boy Rick is just a pussy cat, and I stroked that damned pussy a good hour or so without a care in the world" I knew there must be more to it. Rick never bent over backwards, or forwards for that matter, for anyone. He had a few aces up his sleeve, he always did. 

"Oh I know it's hard to swallow, princess, believe me! But it's a fact that your leader is now my bitch, and my bitches do as they're fucking well told"

"I still think you're scared. Petrified. You have to steal and threaten because you are a bully, but if there was no one to bully you wouldn't have survived this far. Your people are working for you because they're scared of what you'd do if they didn't. I think without them, and without that fucking bat, you'd be nothing but a small mouse in a houseful of lions" I bit my tongue to keep my damn mouth from spewing anything else, and Negan walked into the room very slowly, his eyes on mine.

"I'm a mouse?" I didn't answer, couldn't move any more now I was so close to the wall. He dropped Lucille gently on the bed, and held his arms out to the sides. "Well, there goes Lucille, the 'damned bat' so what now?" His voice was calm and cold and thoughtful. A husky whisper in the small room, like they were words meant only for my ears. He took another small step forward and his shadow fell over me heavily. He chuckled, went to turn away, and I breathed finally, feeling relief.

Until he turned sharply and backhanded me across the jaw. My head flew to one side and crashed into the wall sending me dizzy.

"A fucking mouse!" His face was millimetres from mine and I cringed as he shouted "What does that make you princess? The fucking cheese?!" He laughed heartily and straightened, collecting Lucille from the foot of the bed.

"Come on baby" he said to the bat, and walked out of my room slamming the door hard behind him

* * *

 

He came back a few hours later full of apologies. Like a wife beating husband after a night on the drink.

"That smart mouth of yours, you need to learn how to use it more appropriately." He laughed to himself. "It's a gift, I could use it. You should consider staying" I just glared at him. I wasn't feeling so good after one of his minions brought me eggs, no doubt from my own chickens, and I'd vomited directly onto the plate. She'd given me incredible stink-eye, and said

"You're lucky we don't disobey" before storming out with the plate of eggs and vomit.

What did that mean? They had orders from their God Negan not to hurt me? What was he trying to do here?

"Am I a prisoner?" I asked him, seemingly out of the blue, cutting him off mid-sentence. He looked at me curiously.

"That depends. Do you want to stay?"

"No" I cut in, barely letting him finish.

"Then yes, fuck it, you're held against your will, so you are" I thought about that as he settled himself on the foot of my bed.

"So I stay, if I want to and if I don't?"

"Bingo was his fucking name-o" he grinned at me. "But you can't change your mind now." He stood up. "You already saved your own life telling me you were having that hick's baby" I narrowed my eyes at him as he walked around the room. "I can't kill an unborn child. Shit that's too much even for me. But we were going to. I was going to kill you, and send you home re-fucking-animated to bite Cletus the Yokel and cause all sorts of problems." He looked at me and leaned in to me, his hands behind his back. "So now I'm waiting for a better idea, or the balls to kill you and your baby. Which the fuck ever comes first"

"Well I hear balls hardly ever grow back so I guess it's the better idea that'll get it" he stared at me as I looked at him hatefully, not so much wanting his leather anymore, just despising him with every inch of myself. He laughed, appreciating my quip.

I needed out. I needed to go home. He wasn't hurting me or torturing me any more than just by keeping me here. Maybe that was the plan, maybe he just wanted to drive me insane with boredom. Or cut me in pieces and send them home one by one. An Abra puzzle.

Maybe I was already going insane. Cabin fever was settling in and I was going to end up eating my own arm or something.

"I'm bored" I said to him, and he laughed again

"Well, You're not on fucking holiday, princess" I nodded.

"I could be of some help around here" but he shook his head at me.

"No. You're best in here. I've seen what your people can do, Negan might be a bit cuckoo but I'm not stupid. You escaped from a slaughterhouse full of walkers and 8 of my people, killed them all," he approached me and lifted my tee shirt "and got a single slash on your belly" it was almost healed, a ragged pink line of scab ran under my belly button. I grabbed at the edges of my top, and pulled it down over myself. I could headbutt him, escape through the open door, but then what? I didn't even know where we were. In the middle of nowhere weaponless wasn't much of a plan.

"You're a motherfucking Ninja" he said, "and I am not about to set you free among any more of my people"

"So I'm left here to rot?" I asked gently, my future looked so bleak. He straightened up again, away from me and pointed at me, finger guns

"And bingo was his mother fucking name-o" Then I realised he didn't have his bat. He'd come strolling in, door left wide open behind him, without his comfort blanket.


	7. Chapter 7

"They're not fighters." Maggie said, having gathered our close knit group, the 9 of us left with Charlie n Hershel banished to a bedroom to play, together to discuss her leaving.

"Exactly" Rick said, using her argument to leave against her. "How are they going to protect you and Hershel?"

"Like you are?" She countered, but then immediately looked sorry. "I didn't mean, I... I don't want to fight anymore" she said after much hesitation. I shuffled in my seat, uncomfortable with the whole conversation. She had no idea of Rick's wider plan, she'd been to hilltop twice in her life. I didn't think they could protect her n Hershel, not from Negan. I was pretty sure Gregory had an underhand agreement with the saviours, n I thought that was incredibly dangerous.

"I can't stop you" Rick said, n I had to fight not to jump up n argue with that. "If you feel it's best, I don't like it, though" I rolled my eyes, we needed Maggie, now more'n ever, but Rick was just letting her go, appearing to bend again.

"It's not a decision I've taken lightly" she said directly to me. "I've thought about it for a long time." How long? We'd only known about Hilltop a few weeks. I shook my head, looked away from her n caught Rick's eye. His look was a warning, don't say anythin'. So I stood up. It was all too much.

"I ain't listenin' to this crap" I said. "We've lost Glenn, No one seems particularly interested that my wife is missin', n now you're leavin'. I can't, I just can't anymore" I left the room, not sure I knew where I was goin'. They'd seen Negan beat Glenn to death, n now Maggie wanted to run to the one person really bending over backwards to keep the asshole happy. I thought about havin' a smoke, but instead I hopped on my bike, no one asked where I was goin', no one questioned me. The gate rolled open as it always does n I left.

I had a place in mind, I'd had enough of the waitin' game.

I was gonna get Abra back.

* * *

 

I undid the top button of my combats, they were beginning to get uncomfortable, I guessed my belly was finally starting to swell. They fed me well, always women. They'd come with food and not say much. One did look longingly at my stomach. It made me sad and proud all at once.

Maybe I was just getting fat.

I wondered when the baby would move. I walked circles around my cell until I knew every crack and fault in the walls. I knew the time of day by the meal they brought. Breakfast, or dinner. I guess I didn't deserve lunch.

It was mind numbingly boring. I did math in my head, hummed to myself, tried some push ups and some sit ups but I tired easily.  
I giggled at the image of me doing push ups with an 8 month pregnant belly.

The laughing turned hysterical until I almost cried. Praying I was home by then.

_This_ was the torture, _this_ was the plan. He was going to drive me absolutely crazy.

Two steps from the door, a large crack runs down the wall from relentless slamming, next to it a huge spider web no sign of spider, then nothing remarkable until the door, green, peeling, paint barely covering years of wear. I sighed.

What I really wanted to stick my face in Daryl's vest and go to sleep. This leather thing was weird, but I needed it, I was obsessed, my shoes weren't cutting it, it wasn't the same.

Good god I was so bored.

I almost wanted Negan to come back, and that revelation was enough of a slap in the face to make me change my tact. This is what he wanted, desperate for his company? What was that? No, I had to change my approach.

When the door next opened, I was in bed. I was almost asleep, truth be told. I knew it was Negan, and I shivered as the door shut. I turned to face him.

"Gone batshit crazy yet, princess?" He asked with a smile, and I sat up.

"Not quite." I managed, stretching. I looked him over. No Lucille. Had he really been lulled into a false sense of security? He'd even shut the door. This was too good to be true.

"We made a trip to Alexandria today. Your man, Daryl, right? He's gone missing" I opened my mouth but no sound came out. "Rumour has it he's looking for you" I shook my head and shrugged at once.

"I wouldn't know, I'm stuck in here 24/7" he chuckled and nodded.

"Maybe we need to up the ante. Rick caved too quickly, and that's no fucking fun. Daryl will soon be home, because he's never going to fucking find this place." I eyed him suspiciously. I'd already lost a finger for his stupid game, what else?

He pulled a small but very worrying looking knifer from his pocket.

"You're a beautiful woman, princess. Do you ever wonder if the redneck would still want you if you were hideous? If you were, so completely unrecognisably scarred, that he couldn't bear to look at you?" I shook my head.

"I've never thought about it, but I know it wouldn't matter." He smiled a small evil smile, moving in close to me.

"What if I carved my name into your head? That might put him off" he stroked the knife down my face, gently enough not to pierce my skin. My breath caught, and he laughed loudly, but I refused to show him any emotion. He seemed to revel in my fear. I was done with that, over it. He wasn't going to kill me, I was worth too much to him.

I had no idea how right I was.

"No!" He bellowed, moving away. "I actually had a fucking much better idea!" He chuckled to himself.

"Now, I'm not going to kill your baby, that's too fucking cruel, but, you might." He looked at me, grinning "Oh yes you might do just that." I looked at him confused, concerned. "I've taken away your fucking food privileges." He explained "Instead the lovely dick sucking ladies from the kitchen have a crate of cat food with your name on!" My mouth tried to drop open but I gritted my teeth.

"If you don't want to eat it, fine. Give me information about your group and you can have all the fucking human food you like. Or, don't tell me and it's a grand fucking choice of cat food or nothing. Nada." He was positively gleeful. "I need information, you need nutrients. fuck! I surprise my self sometimes." I stared up at him, my plan out the window, and completely out of my mind. He was insane, completely and utterly.

"C-cat food?" I stuttered at him. He didn't reply. I sighed a deep and heavy sigh. My baby couldn't survive on cat food, surely. I was torn, completely and unutterably in half.

Save my living family, or my unborn baby. The baby I didn't ask for, the family I didn't ask for, but all of these things thrust upon me.

My hands went to my stomach, the swelling now obvious under my touch.

I honestly didn't know what to do.

* * *

 

I wasn't expecting to bump into that prick Jesus on my travels. Rick kept tellin' me he was a good guy, I just saw a long haired passive aggressive fuck who could get out of a locked room, and zip tie bindings. The asshole who just happened to be there when Abra got captured. The man who didn't quite tell us what we were gettin into when we offered to save his community from Negan n his men. The guy who wasn't there when Glenn was killed and Abra taken from me, yet again.

But there he was, skulking along in front of me, tryin to keep out of sight.

But I caught him on a bridge over head, duckin' when he realised he'd been seen. I parked the bike underneath, and made my way up to him.

"Hey, what ya doin followin me?" He'd disappeared again, in that way he always seemed to manage to.

"Hey!" I yelled, listenin hard. The crafty shit didn't leave a trace of where he'd been, like he fuckin' flew up there.

"Shhh" I heard behind me, n I turned but I couldn't see him. "Daryl" he was behind me again, which was just one not of me a moment before. I turned n he stood there looking all angelic n sheepish. I sneered at him

"Ya followin' me?" He shook his head gently

"No. I was followin' Dwight." My eyes narrowed n my mouth sneered all by itself at the name.

"Where is he?" I asked, still seekin' vengeance for everythin' the guy had brought onto us. I shoulda killed him, n I cursed myself everyday that I hadn't.

Jesus looked at me very deliberately, then his eyes went wide, n I saw Dwight appear behind him. He had his hands up, but it didn't stop me from swingin' up my rifle to my eye and getting him in my sights.

He had my 'bow. That was the first thing I was gonna change.

"Hand it over" I said to him. He looked at me with his bulbous eye, noddin' n movin' slowly to place the bow on the floor. "What else ya got?" I asked him, n he emptied his pockets, still not sayin' a word.

I took my bow, still holdin' the rifle on him. I didn't care 'bout the other shit, "Why're ya here? What d'ya want?" He looked at me, hunkerin' down a little, nervous, scared. He didn't so much as flick his eyes Jesus' way.

"I want to tell you everythin' you need to know about Negan. I'm done. I can't kneel anymore" I huffed a laugh, Jesus looked at me

"Yeah, I've heard that before" Dwight shook his head

"Really. I can help you get Abra back. I'm done now, I'm done" 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, I went on holiday :/ back now and the fun can recommence!

Negan left me to "think it the fuck over, Princess" but I couldn't. My mind was a blank nothing. How could I choose between the people that saved my life, and the life inside me. My husband and my child, or the little bean still growing under my hands.

I barely registered that the door had opened, occupied as I was trying to feel some answer under my fingers, still over my slightly bloated looking belly. I didn't really see the blond with half a face come in, until he spoke to me.

"Hey" he shut the door softly, and finally I registered what was happening. I scooted back against the wall hard, my butt smacking against the plaster.

"Woah woah woah" he said " I get it. But I'm not here to hurt you" he was trying to make his voice soothing, all I saw was the man who shot my husband and gave me a black eye. The man who ordered his men to take my Charlie and bring him here. The man my husband should have killed, and his damn woman too.

He held his hands out, a warding off gesture which was suppose to keep me calm.

"Don't do it" he said gently "you don't have to do what Negan wants. I'm gonna get you out of here" I frowned at him, not believing a word of it.

"Why would you?" I asked, checking him over. He was armed, therefore he was dangerous, he was Negan's right hand man. He didn't want to save me, if anything he wanted me gone.

"Let me explain, I'm sure you'd understand" I rolled my eyes

"I don't have much choice but to listen, do I?" He smiled a small smile and talked me through everything. His love for Sherry, the girl he made eyes at during Mark's-what was it, a lesson? How he thought it was easier to bend to Negan's insane rules, how Sherry agreed to be a wife as she thought it would be better for them both. But it wasn't. It was hard, and it was painful.

He touched his face, the pink and ragged flesh burnt at Negan's own hand. Rick would never do that to any of us. Never.

"I know you and Daryl have something like us" I snorted as he finished his sob story, and he turned to me finally, after looking wistfully off into the distance when he spoke about his girl.

"What? You think you're the only couple to ever be in love?" I shook my head.

"No. But love is personal. Every relationship is different. You feel nothing like me and Daryl do. Hell me and Daryl probably feel it differently to each other." He nodded thoughtfully.

"Well, I want us to be together. To do that I need to be rid of Negan. If I help you, I help Alexandria, maybe they'll help me" I shrugged at him nonchalantly, despite not having anything I could bargain with.

"I don't know, you've done a lot of damage. There'll be a lot of patching up for you to do" He looked thoughtful again, then nodded firmly

"Don't do it, don't eat the cat food. Sherry couldn't bear if you lost that baby." Sherry. He was planning to escape for her. That I could understand. How many times had I wanted the best for Daryl, even at the detriment of myself.

"Sherry wants me to have the baby?" Dwight nodded.

"She'd love one, but Negan always uses protection, so we can't even fake it. Life needs to go on. That's what it's all about" I felt my brows furrow. He didn't sound like the usual sort of saviour I had so far met. Paula for one called me stupid, as if I chose the life of a mother.

"How?" I asked, and he looked at me seriously

"Negan has saviours everywhere. Daryl is out looking for you, and I can find him in a heartbeat" he snapped his fingers as he said it, SNAP.

It felt like a very violent gesture. I didn't want Daryl to have eyes on him constantly without him knowing. The thought of him in danger physically hurt. My hands tried to curl into fists, and I felt my ring finger bend, I felt it. I looked down at it. A blank and empty space.

I didn't want any more empty spaces in my life. I didn't trust Dwight, but I couldn't stop him.

"Do what you have to do." I said, Daryl on my mind. "But if anything happens to him... I swear I'll get vengeance" he nodded a single nod, but it was deeper and more obvious than Daryl's confirmations.

"I need one thing to tell him that will make him understand" he said gravely "something only you and Daryl will understand." I shook my head.

"That won't work, he'll think you tortured it out of me."

"At least I can try as a last resort" he cut me off. "Anything."

* * *

 

Dwight looked at me, hands still up.

"I tried to get Abra to tell me something to make you believe me. At first she came up with nothing, said you'd just assume the worst." I didn't react, but it was exactly right. I didn't trust this prick. I wouldn't trust him. "But she said to mention the white deer, the scratches, and the impromptu haircut," he stopped, lookin' me over carefully. I took a deep breath. These things were a big part of us. I almost lost her, We thought she'd been infected. I nodded, it wasn't somethin' that'd make any difference to Negan, but it meant somethin' to us.

Maybe he was tellin' the truth.   
I lowered the rifle a little. I wanted him to know I wasn't trustin' him all the way. I weren't born yesterday. Jesus still stood, just watchin' the whole thing, not sayin' a word, until Dwight mentioned the cat food. He turned a little green round the gills at that.

"Ain't Negan gonna be suspicious? Y'already ran away once." I asked Dwight, n he smiled grimly.

"It's a chance I'll take. He's pretty heavy handed, he'll likely assume he's got me on side." He touched the burnt scar that use to be his face, thoughtful, then gestured we get offa the road. "He's got eyes everywhere. But I have an idea"

It should have been so simple. Me n Jesus would go back to Alexandria n wait the return of the saviours, then stow away on their truck with our goods. Once inside the sanctuary we could grab Abra n make our escape, with Dwight keepin' the others occupied

But nothing ever seemed so straightforward any more. I shoulda known it'd all go to shit.   
We stowed away, Jesus insisting despite my offers for him to stay the hell out of it.

He shoulda done, we both shoulda.

So we arrived at the sanctuary and it's almost dark, the back of the truck is thrown open immediately, although Dwight said they would wait for daylight. Jesus n me were grabbed n there was a struggle, I got one pretty good with my knife before it was wrenched from my hand, another reeled backwards from an elbow to the face. Jesus even managed to floor a couple, much to my surprise, but eventually we were bound n separated.

I din't see Dwight at all.

* * *

 

I don't remember much before I woke up in the room with the window. I knew straight away I had been drugged. It was obvious, from the hangover like feeling, the mouth like cotton wool, dry eyes and headache.   
That, and the last thing I truly remember was having a drink of water, in a reused bottle. The seal was broken, I didn't think much of it at the time.

So I woke up in front of a huge window, nothing registered at first except the hangover feeling. I went to put my hands to my head, but they were bound behind me, I was tied to a wooden chair.

"Don't struggle" I heard beside me, and I looked over slowly. There Negan leant against a dirty white wall. That stupid bat of his held low by his leg. He was grinning a toothy white smile at me. "Don't move too much, I bet you feel like shit" I closed my eyes, knowing my expression would be pained. I turned my head away from him.

"What is this?" I asked, opening my eyes and seeing the window again. It looked into an empty room. A mirror of the one I was in. There was even a chair in the centre.

My head pounded rhythmically and I shut my eyes again as the chair in the mirror room began to waver.

"I don't feel good" I conceded. Negan laughed heartily, and the sound was like glass in my ears.

"Oh it's about to get a whole lot fucking better" he said, far too loudly for my head to take. "Open those baby blues" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"My eyes are green" I said, irritated, but I opened my eyes. The alternative could be a lot worse than blurry vision. Don't ever say I didn't learn from my experiences with Negan.

As I watched, and Negan all but vibrated with excitement and glee, a door opened in the mirror room and a man was dragged in, a black cloth bag over his head, regardless I knew exactly who it was, and my heart sank as I tried to stand.

Hangover like feeling forgotten, I tried to get to the window, but managed only to almost knock myself and the chair over. A weird noise escaped me, raw and guttural and unrecognisable as my voice. I turned to Negan.

"Don't" I said to him in that same voice "please, don't hurt him" I shook my head slowly as I spoke, and Negan simply pointed at the window. I looked and the hood was removed from my husband's head.

He was battered, bruised, his eyes swollen almost closed, his lips fat and purple. But I knew that face, I loved that face, and Negan knew that was an advantage for him.

Daryl saw me, and he began to struggle. I could hear him grunting against the chains that held him, bound hand and foot. He was muffled by the glass, but it was thin, I could still hear him strain. 

Negan laughed like it was the most hilarious thing he had ever seen. I struggled, but was helpless. Daryl tried again against the chains, but he had men holding him, too. They forced him into the chair, and everything went still and quiet.

I didn't take my eyes off Daryl as Negan gave me a second ultimatum.

"Cat food weren't fucking working" he said, pushing away from the wall and up next to me. "So here's the new choice. Save your hick husband or yourself and your kid. I'm done with games. If you don't make a choice I will. You've got ten minutes." He pointed his bat at me and Daryl yelled through his swollen face, but what could we do? How the hell were we going to get out of this alive?

I would have sacrificed myself in a single breath if not for the baby. Now my choices were much harder. The baby I didn't know I wanted, my husband and my son were all hanging in the balance. 


	9. Chapter 9

I looked through the glass, mind runnin at a thousand miles an hour, despite my tryin' to stop it. Tryin' to think clearly. 

Abra stared at me, eyes wide n frightened, n I couldn't do nothin' about it, tied up, in pain, n my mind just runnin' as I tried to work this all out.

Don't, I thought, a single word louder in my head than anythin' else. Don't give in to him, don't sacrifice yourself for me.

I was nothin', I'd started as nothin' n I'd die tonight as nothin'. N that was fine if it meant Abra got to live n raise our kids. But whoever she chose, I had an idea we might both be dead anyway.

No, thinkin like that werent helpin no one.

Negan paced around her, but her eyes never left mine. She looked completely torn.

"Save the baby" I said, shapin' my mouth very purposely around each word so she might understand. She just stared through the glass.

* * *

 

"Times ticking" Negan said, coming to my right side and crouching down to my level. "Gotta choose" He cocked his head as I finally tore my eyes from Daryl and looked at him.  
"Wanna talk me through it?" I looked away again, back to Daryl, and though I could barely see his eyes I knew they were on mine.

Everything inside me screamed that I should protect the baby, something fierce and incredibly angry. The mother in me, I guessed, that instinct people spoke about all the time.   
But she was fighting within me against the woman who wanted Daryl safe, wanted Alexandria kept safe by his hand. People needed him. Anyone could grow a few vegetables, Anyone could feed the farm animals. The only thing in this world that needed me was this baby, and without Daryl to protect us would it even survive? Did I want it without him? Charlie would cope. He idolised Daryl more than me. Charlie would grow up to carry on his dad's legacy of protecting, and keeping people safe.

What could the baby possibly do but bring danger. Another mouth to feed when stock was already low. Something else to keep me inside the walls and not enjoying life as I should, outside where the danger kept me grounded. I rolled my shoulders, and something in the ropes at my hands slipped. Gently I stretched my fingers, and realised the ropes were falling loose. If I could just keep him talking.

I looked up at Negan who now stood beside me. He looked down at me, threatening. Lucille on his shoulder just ready to bash me to death. His grin was sickening, and though I wanted to look away I forced my eyes to stay on his.

"Me" I said, and I noticed in my peripheral vision Daryl get up From his chair and being forced back into a sit by the heavies with him. "Take me" I reiterated, trying desperately to ignore the yells from the other side of the thin glass. Trying desperately for this to be about my choice, and being what was best.

"No!" Daryl yelled again, and I closed my eyes, still gently twisting my hands to loosen my ties.

"Why?" I heard Negan ask me. He was in front of me. I opened my eyes and saw he was mid swing, I didn't even realise how close I had been to succumbing to that godforsaken bat.

"The world needs Daryl. Me and the baby, we're just another excuse to send people out searching for things, sending people into unknown danger. I don't want that for my husband and my son"

Daryl rose from his seat, successfully this time, and threw himself at the window. It wobbled, but it held. My head was pounding again, and now I knew that my decision was made I didn't mind so much.

"I don't know what you gave me, but it could have harmed the baby anyway. Adding special needs to the list of things we could really do without." I took a deep breath and looked Negan in the eye again. "Please don't make Daryl watch" I whispered in the hope he wouldn't hear me. I glanced over, and he was being roughly pushed into the chair again.

I needed a few more minutes of this, what I'd do when I was out of the chair, I didn't know, but I wanted that chance.

"Princess, that fucking hick is only gonna see you walk the fuck away without him" I opened my mouth but no noise came out. Confused I just stared up at him, brow creased, mouth open. He chuckled at me, swinging Lucille back on to his shoulder. "You really believe you deserve to die ahead of that?" He pointed his free hand at the window, where Daryl sat with his head hanging low. I could read disappointment all over his body language. If we both managed to get out of this, he'd have a lot of angry questions.

* * *

 

When she said 'me' my heart stopped beatin' n dropped down into my boots.

Why the hell would she ever put me before her? The baby?! I couldn't look at her. I could hear her talkin' with Negan, n after my initial outburst I was just drained. I stared at the floor, dumbfounded, thinkin' of all the reasons I should be the one to sacrifice myself. The baby, Charlie, the farm. Abra did more for the community, meant more to everyone there in Alexandria, than she could know, but she was so selfless she'd never realised.

If anyone deserved any of this it was me. I got us into this damn mess by not killing Dwight in the first place.

I threw myself at the window, not even feeling the heavies trying to hold me back. I yelled, and the window smashed into shards.

* * *

 

Negan looked over as Daryl threw himself at the plate glass again, and as he watched it the ropes behind me finally fell to the floor.

My legs were still bound, but as Negan yelled at his men, as Daryl fought as best he could in his chains, I reached for my feet and fumbled at the ropes there. The knots were tighter, and I fiddled frustrated and panicking for a long moment before I finally freed myself.

Without thinking I grabbed the chair and swung it heavily into Negan's back. He dropped Lucille, yelled in pain, and arched himself backwards.

I grabbed the bat and held it as if it was my first big baseball game.

Negan turned to me, eyes wide and angry. He reached for his belt, and I shook my head.

"Don't" I said sharply, wielding his bat at him. "Dont" I managed again, and he straightened, holding up his hands. He was grinning, chuckling away to himself like I wasn't ready to kill him. "Unchain him" I said, my voice unsteady, my head banging "unchain him, now" he was still laughing.

He turned to the shattered window, glass crunching beneath his boots as he did so.

"You heard the lady, let the him out" my breath came in heavy bursts and to my surprise the two heavies, though confused, let Daryl out of his chains. I kept my eyes on Negan.

"We're leaving" I said. "And I'm taking Lucille. If you want her back in one piece you'll come to Alexandria and get her. If anyone follows us we'll kill them." I looked at Daryl, he looked shocked, completely stunned. I didn't trust Negan enough to turn my back in him.

"You better fucking run, princess" he said to me "run all the way home little fucking pig, cause the wolf is coming to blow your house down." He was still laughing deliriously, and I was sure he'd lost his mind, as sure as I was that I'd lost mine.

"This ain't over!" He yelled as I backed out of the room behind Daryl, "this is war right here!" The door closed in front of me, and we ran as fast as our shaking legs could carry us.

* * *

 

We stopped when we reached the parkin lot, hidin behind a truck n waitin for our breathin to even out.

I looked at her, bent over, bat in her hand, breath heavy. Her belly was swellin up now. She looked amazin, beautiful.

Then I noticed her hand. Bandaged n bound n to my horror, she really was missin' a finger. She looked up at me n managed a half smile.

"What now?" She asked, as if this was all my idea. I shrugged.

"We gotta get home. Could use one a the trucks." I pointed at the one we'd arrived in. A green canvas backed thing, still half full of our goods. If I was right, my crossbow was still in there, but I had no idea where Abra's weapons were. She nodded at me

"Ok. Ok let's go" she straightened. Swingin' the bat to her shoulder as if it belonged there. I put my hand in her other shoulder.

"They have Jesus. N I've no idea about Dwight." She snorted softly

"Dwight" she spat "I'm still not sure about him" I nodded, but pushed gently.

"N Jesus?" She thought for a moment

"He'll be ok. He knows what he's doing" I nodded, edged out around the truck to check the coast was clear. To my surprise it was, so we ran towards the truck, hoppin' in unhindered. I drove us out, without seein' a single saviour.

I turned to her as we left the sanctuary behind.

"That was too easy" she nodded, not lookin' at me, but wringin' her hands, Lucille now sittin' between us.

"Yeah. We've fucked up. He's gonna come harder at us now"

"We can prepare" I encouraged. "We'll have time" she shrugged, still fidgeting with her hands.

"Maybe." I frowned, pulling the truck to the side of the road.

"What's goin' on Abs?" She shook her head, still not lookin' at me.

"Nothing, I wanna go home" I reached out for her, restin' my hand on her knee, and a sob escaped her. Shock, I guessed. She'd been held for a week by that prick Negan, n freedom was probly a bitter sweetness just then.

She looked at me, face White and stark, eyes huge.

"I was comin' for ya" I squeezed her knee "I was gonna bring ya home" she nodded and gave me a small smile

"I know" she heaved a huge sigh and fiddled again with her hands. "He cut off my finger" she said quietly. I shook my head.

"I know. Don't matter. I got ya ring. It's ok n, it's just a finger" she looked at me, irritated.

"I put my life on the line. The baby's life. You don't wanna talk about that?" I pulled my hand from her leg

"No" I said, cause I was still angry. If I'd learned anythin' from bein' with her, we couldn't have a decent discussion when we were angry.

She looked at me solemnly, grabbed Negan's baseball bat and shoved it in the footwell, before crawlin' across the seats n reachin' her hands around my neck, plantin' her lips on my mine n pushin' hard into me.

She edged closer, moanin' through her nose, but I pulled away, as difficult as that was to do.

"We need to get home" I said, a warnin' tone to my voice I din't mean. She nodded, drawin' her hands away n looked at me.

"Me and the baby missed you, very much" she said. I sniggered at her

"Missed me or missed my jacket?" I asked, noticin' how she gripped it in curled fists. She smiled shyly n I took it off, givin' it to her without a thought. I drove on, and she breathed in the leather like an addict forced to abstain. 


	10. Chapter 10

There was uproar when we got back. What with my pregnancy showing, Maggie moving out, and Negan coming for vengeance, Jesus, who had apparently moved in, was still missing.  
Rick grabbed Daryl and told him we had to put the plan into action now, I had no idea what that meant, neither did anyone else at first.

"We'll lead walkers to the sanctuary. Surround them with the undead." Rick said, as if it was the most natural and obvious course of action. I frowned at him, looked between him and Daryl as they poured over a map.

"No" I said, outraged "it's too dangerous."

"Yeah" Daryl gruffed at me, "'s'why you ain't comin'" I narrowed my eyes at him

"Don't you get it? Three herds we've had in 7 years. Each time we have lost out. We nearly lost you, Abraham and Sasha, we nearly lost Rick. Deanna... Carter, Nicholas, Sam, Ron. I could go on and on." I could feel frustrated tears threatening and willed them away. I didn't want anyone to think I was sad. I was angry. "We are weaker now. Without Glenn, without Maggie." I shook my head "it's a damned stupid idea. " Rick turned to me, looking like he was losing his patience.

"Abra, it's the perfect course of action. We know they're herding up again, right in the quarry, like before. We'll have a plan and we'll stick to it. We'll also stick together"

"Yeah cause your plans always go so well" Daryl grunted and I turned my attention to him

"Abs. Stop it. It's gotta be done. For you n the baby, for Glenn n Maggie n Hershel."

"Then let me help" I pleaded, but in unison they shot me down

"No"  
"Nah" 

I huffed an irritated sigh.

"Fine. Talk us all through it, but for god's sake leave me someone here with an ounce of capability." They looked at each other and I swear they were going to roll their eyes at me. "Seriously?" My emotions were high, the baby causing my hormones to fly haphazardly, "Negan could be on his way here, now. He already has the place watched. Don't be stupid about this." Rick tilted his head at me, and I had to fight not to roll my eyes.

"Negan ain't gonna come running out here without a plan" I shrugged

"What if you have the same plan? You meet half way with a road full of walkers. Then you'll all be fucked" I stormed out of the kitchen and headed to Charlie's room, where he was sleeping like a log despite his insistence to stay up late and spend some time with me.

I felt like the worst mother. The worst person. I looked down at his sleeping form and finally let my frustrated tears course down my face.

* * *

 

Rick turned to me as I rolled up the map

"She alright?" I nodded. She would be, eventually.

"Baby's been screwin' with her for a while. She'll come round. Want me to gather up the rest?" He put a hand on my shoulder and as was my usual reaction, I fought not to shrug him off

"It's the right thing." He looked at me very solemnly "we'll do this and we'll get him, n then we'll be safe" I chewed my lip.  
How long for this time, I wondered.

"Run that by me one more time?" Rosita asked as Rick finished lettin' everyone know what we had planned without them. Rick sighed, gettin' frustrated. "These men are dangerous. Walkers are dangerous. What are we gonna do, build walls again? Line up a coupla cars? The sanctuary is miles away" Rick rolled his shoulders like he had a crick in his neck.

"No. This time we lead em by hand. We want to use as few vehicles as possible. Fuel is becoming a rare commodity"

" _Life_ is a rare commodity" Rosita snapped, stopping him short. Rick nodded.

"There are two ways to help" he said, encompassin' everyone in the conversation again. "You can stay, guard our home, keep those who stay back safe. Or you can come with us. You're all trained, you all know how to stay safe around those things. So the choice is yours. Same as always. We come for them, before they come for us"

In the end only a handful decided to stay behind, includin' Abra, Charlie n Gabriel. I'd'a been happier if more'd stayed. Half n half woulda been just fine.

Abra insisted on takin' a lookout post,

"Nah, Abs you stay in here with Charlie" I was back home, where she'd stayed throughout the meetin'. she took a deep breath n chewed at her cheek.

"I'd rather be on the wall, keeping him truly safe" she said evenly. As she stopped she chomped at her cheek again. She weren't happy, but it was clear she was tryin' to keep her mood in check.

"I just want ya safe" I went to move towards her, but she stepped back away from me. "Abra?" But she shook her head

"I'm taking the wall" she said firmly. "I want this place to still be standing if you come home" I pulled her up on that.

"When, Abs" but she shrugged without answerin', n headed for the stairs.

* * *

 

I walked away before I could start shouting. I didn't want to argue before he left, with that in his head, those possible last memories of me.

I didn't exactly want to leave it with a shrug, though, either.

I rubbed at my temples with one hand, sitting on the bed anticipating him coming up any minute.

I didn't understand why we couldn't just prepare Alexandria for a fight, and wait for Negan to, as he undoubtedly would, come for us. There was a reason he hadn't followed. He was crazy and now he was angry, with a host of followers lead by fear. Scared people were volatile.

I heard the stairs creak as Daryl made his way up. I sighed heavily and readied myself for an argument.

"Hey" he said quietly as the door opened, after he'd popped into throw his eyes over Charlie.

"Hey" I replied, not looking up. I couldn't. How could I look into his intense face as he was preparing to march a herd of monsters into the unknown?

"What's goin on with ya?" He asked, sitting beside me on the bed. I didn't answer straight away, preferring the thoughtful and heavy silence between us. It suited the situation perfectly. I ran my hand over the coverlet on the bed, feeling the intricate stitching under my fingers. Lines of thread marching along the fabric, utilitarian, an army of cotton. I looked at my missing finger, contemplated if looking at what was missing was even possible.

Anything to elongate this moment, just he and me and the silence.

I turned to him, finally looked at him. He was looking at me as intensely as I feared. Navy blue eyes boring into my own, mouth a thin straight line. I reached up to his hair, gently pushed the dark bangs sideways out of his face. His eyes never left mine.

"This isn't Mikey-Jay or Joe and his group of greasers." He pushed his head into my fingers a little, like a cat looking for more petting. "Negan is more dangerous because his followers are brainwashed into subservience. They are petrified of him, and I'm worried that their fear is going to make them unstable" he turned his head and gently kissed my palm. I couldn't help the small smile that spread on my face.

"I know" he said, so quietly I had to strain to hear him. He took my hand from his hair and held it gently down on the bed. "He needs to know he can't get away with all he has done" He whispered the words, somehow that gave them more gravity. Daryl was clearly furious, but rather than letting his rage explode out of him, he was quiet, brooding. This was serious.

I put my left hand on top of his, already holding my right. Our eyes instantly lighted on the bandages, the missing finger.

"I convinced myself it wasn't yours" I looked at him, and he was gazing at my hand. "The skin was grey, dead, I couldn't connect that with you."

"It was a small price to pay to get Charlie out of there" I pulled my hand away and his eyes followed. I began to unwind the bandages that protected my raw skin from the elements. It was so ugly, hideous. Barely a stump left above my knuckle. Stitches ran a jagged line, the scar forming where Negan had cauterised it with his colonial iron.

"You should see Denise in the morning. Make sure it's... Healthy" I flexed my hand, curled the fingers I did have, and the stump moved as though my finger was still attached.

"I can still feel it" I said, unfurling my fingers again. "It's gone, but it's still part of me. I wonder if it always will be" he took my hand in both of his, encompassing it completely, hid it from view.

"Your starting to show" he changed the subject and looked at my torso. I looked down at it and smiled

"I am."

"Can you feel it yet?" I shook my head.

"No. Nothing yet." He let my hand go and I put both my hands slightly behind me, leaning back as he pulled my tshirt up to expose my stomach. He placed his palms on the new roundness of me, as if to prove me wrong. I held up a hand, fingers an inch apart. "Bubba's only this big" I said "honestly you won't feel anything." He looked up at my face, then back at my belly. He put his face close and began to whisper, tickling my skin with his stubble. I tried to stifle a giggle, but his eyes shot up at me again.

"Tickles" I said. "What are you saying to my baby?" I narrowed my eyes, but he shook his head at me

"That's between me n my kid" he said, though he was smiling.

Seeing him trying to bond was heart warming. He leaned in as though to kiss me and I leaned away.

"What is this?" I asked him "one for the road?" I pulled away then, a smile on his face, and leaned past me into the bedside drawers slightly behind me. I could feel his breath, his hair tickling my neck. I turned my face into him but he pulled back again. He had my ring. He took my right hand and placed it on the third finger there.

* * *

 

"We're gonna see if anyone at Hilltop will help us" I told her. "It's an extra day lost, but the numbers will be better. Maybe Maggie will come" she was looking at her hand, her ring tarnished now, faded a little with all the wear. She looked up n gave me a small smile.

"I still don't like it" she said quietly, "I still think we're safer building something up here" I took her hand and rubbed the ring with my thumb.

"Gotta come for them before they come for us. Gotta get Jesus back. Find out what happened to Dwight. She looked at me sharply

"Dwight?" I nodded. I had a feelin' he wasn't behind the ambush.

"I reckon he's in as much danger as the rest of us, if he ain't already dead" she chewed at her mouth, thinkin'

"You believe him." I nodded

"Uh huh" she nodded thoughtfully.

"Just do one thing for me" she said, big green eyes looking up at me under her lashes. I Expected her to ask me to stay safe, to ensure I came home, but instead her eyes lit up as she said 

"Leave me the vest" I weren't sure she was jokin'. I smiled back, surprised when she leaned closer, plantin' her mouth on mine, and kissin' me like she might never get to again.


	11. Chapter 11

We didn't talk about me putting my life on the line, or how id risked the baby's life for him. Every time I mentioned it to Daryl his swelled and bruised face became drawn, like he felt every word as a razor blade, so I dropped it. We both got out, and we were OK.

I wasn't about to push it.

I slept heavier than I had in a long time, wrapped around my love like I was suppose md to be. His seed growing in my belly, I didn't even notice Charlie, who normally slept like a log, come into the room and snuggle behind me. Only when my hands glanced against Daryl's groin as a good morning, and he told me in hushed tones that Charlie had come in, did I realise he was there.

I hummed against Daryl's back, and he turned to face me. I rolled onto my back and Charlie stirred.

"I could stay here all day" I whispered "my two best men and my baby, all in bed together with me" I smiled wistfully, but Daryl's face was hard.

"Abs"

"Oh I know" I cut him off. I wondered if soldiers wives felt this way. "But if I could stop and enjoy any single moment of my whole life for a little longer, it'd be this one". Daryl grunted, trying to sound like he didn't care one way or the other. It was his defence mechanism. He was worried he would think too much and not want to go. I knew him like the back of my hand, like I knew my missing finger.  I giggled to myself and he looked down at me.

"What's funny?" I shook my head at him. Nothing really, I was just losing my mind. I smiled up at him, and if he could narrow his sore eyes I'm sure he would have.

"How can you go out there so broken?" I asked him, gently touching his cheek, and he just grunted at me again, but he didn't make to get out of bed. "What time are you leaving?" I asked him, not really wanting to know. The room was still almost dark, but the sun would rise rapidly.

"Not too long" he managed with a rasp. I looked up at him. If he could have looked more forlorn I'd never seen it. Even when he found out Alyson was dying.

"We'll be waiting for you, so you just make sure you come home" I said, as Charlie stirred again, waking up.

"Mom?" I turned my face to him. "Why'm I in ya bed?"

* * *

 

She insisted on watchin' us leave. Like it was some big send off n I might not come back. I hated leavin' her feelin' that way, of course I'd be back, hadn't died yet n weren't plannin' on it neither. I looked back as the gate closed behind us, sittin' astride my bike which we'd collected on the way back home from the compound. Charlie's face appeared on the bars, n my heart about tore in two.

Abraham was up on the wall, rifle across his shoulder, he lifted a hand n I lifted mine right back, glad to leave some of our strongest behind after all. If Negan was gonna be underhand I knew Abra would do somethin' stupid if she felt she was the most senior, the most equipped there.

We headed straight for the quarry, n sure enough the walkers were herdin' up again, lazily groanin' n shamblin' in the bottom of the large chasm. I lit a cigarette and watched 'em as Rick laid out the finer details of the plan to the others. I'd heard it all a thousand times already.

I thought about what the asshole and his minions had done to my family. To Glenn. How he'd started off a chain reaction which was slowly destroyin' our lives. Maggie's husband, Hershel's father. Abra's finger, Charlie's innocence. My kid. My actual flesh and blood.

He couldn't get away with it, and now was the time to show him what he was dealin' with. The foul mouthed sonnovva bitch.

"Daryl!" Rick called to me, n I knew the drill. I span the bike around n revved the engine hard. I looked behind me, n it was workin' already. I threw the end of my cigarette into the chasm. The dead heads were lookin' up, reachin' for the noise. I revved it up a little more, threw in a wheel spin for good measure and the geeks were lappin' it up, began to climbs up the long ramp that'd led 'em in there.

C'mon ya little bastards, I thought, let's go get ya some live fuckin' meat.

It was a similar set up to the last time we did this. I was on the bike, some others were leading on foot, shootin' blanks n flares to get the walkers where they wanted 'em. It'd take an age to get to the sanctuary, the walkers were old n slow, but it would be worth it, I kept tellin' myself. The saviours would either be done for or have the sense to try n change sides. All except the one who fed my wife cat food. Whoever did that could get my boot in their face.

* * *

 

"Jesus!" I yelled, throwing the gate open and running into his outstretched arms. I didn't bother to wonder why he'd come to Alexandria and not go to home to Hilltop, I was so pleased to see his stupid bearded face.

"Abra Dixon!" Abraham yelled "what in gods holy name d'ya think ya doing!" I waved a hand dismissively at him up there on the wall as I dragged a rather stunned Jesus inside the gate. "I am under strict instructions not to let you do anything stupid, and you go..."

"Abraham shut your mouth" I told him, waving a hand at him again as the screen rolled into place behind me.

"You got out" Jesus said, wide eyed and confused. "The baby?" I nodded

"Fine, fine. The others have already gone. You're welcome to stay. Charlie can bunk with me if you want his room." I looked him over, he was completely unscathed. "I'm so glad you're here" his face turned solemn, and though I was confused I couldn't stop flapping my gums at him. I'd been couped up, told I couldn't do anything or go anywhere, and finally I had a friend I could talk to and not be made to feel like I useless.  
"Daryl, Rick, Michonne, Rosita, Tara, Aaron... They've all gone. Not many of us left but we'll cope." His face fell a little more and finally I had to ask him. "What is it?" He took a deep and unsteady breath.

"Saviours" he managed. "They're on their way here"

We sat in my kitchen, Charlie eying Jesus suspiciously. He had Daryl's nature, Daryl's accent, a lot of growing up was definitely nature over nurture, I'd decided. Charlie was polite and courteous, and I liked to think I taught him that, but he certainly didn't have that as a part of me. I wondered if the baby would look like me or Daryl, if he or she would grow up with Daryl's redneck southern accent, if the baby would know their dad.

From the way Jesus was talking, it might not even make it itself.

"Abra!" Jesus banged on the table with his palm. "Are you taking this seriously? There are saviours on their way. They got wind of Daryl and Rick leaving." I took my hand from my belly, where it had found its way without my knowledge.

"Who would tell them?" I asked without thinking. They didn't need to be told, they had eyes and ears everywhere. "Shit" I managed

"Mom!" Charlie tried to chastise me.

"Not now Charlie bear" I said automatically. Jesus raised an eyebrow at me and leaned across the table with his hands clasped in front of him.

"You and Charlie need to get out" I stared at him incredulous.

"Leave? Now? When my people need me you want me to just run away? What is wrong with you?" I leant forward and we were inches apart. I stared into his wide blue eyes. "We will tell these people, and we will prepare for them." I shook my head at him

"You're pregnant" he said as if that was the answer to everything.

"Yes, I am, and I'm not going to start my baby's life by running. Cause then I'll never be able to stop. And then what? If we stay and stand our ground, I could win and my babies, both of them" I reached out to Charlie and pulled him close "will be safe." Jesus leant back and shook his head.

"And if you lose?" I shrugged at him.

"My dear Jesus, that's not even an option."

I decided the first course of action was to let Abraham and Sasha know. They were patrolling the walls, and both had an excellent eye. Then we could gather the rest of Alexandria and make them aware. Or should we... It was tough and they'd be scared.

I chewed my lip. Daryl would know exactly what to do, and I really wished he was here. Rick would know even better, but he hadn't been in the best frame of mind since... Well, after Glenn.   
Jesus protested, as was his nature. He didn't like to fight if he didn't have to.

"I do this with or without you" I said.

"Then I have no choice" he answered solemnly.

* * *

 

I hung back behind the guys on foot, keeping the walkers back, as they stumbled and reached and dragged themselves towards me. I didn't mind, like Abra always said, it kept me grounded, being so close to the beasts. One wrong move and I was set to be taken down by the herd, a hundred or more of the rotten corpses. It kept me thinking straight, eyes on the prize, mind on the job in hand. Stopped me wonderin' n worryin' about back home. Perhaps I shoulda been, but hindsight's a wonderful thing.

When we reached the sanctuary no one came out at first. The lot seemed suspiciously empty, though that di'nt dawn on me til after.  When a face finally appeared, looking worried and a bit confused, Rick demanded Negan come to the gates.

When he did he was his normal insane self. Brayin' n heehawin' like the donkey he was. He went off about our guns, m how we was so stupid, he even opened the gate and stood in front of us, batless, prone and brash as ever. Rick gave the signal, n we started firin'

"Jesus fucking Christ! Ya can't even shoot me standing right in fucking front of you!" Negan yelled, standing there with his gate wide open and his arms out to his sides. Then we headed away, me now off the bike n pushin' it to keep the noise to minimum.

The walkers, which we'd gathered at the far side of the sanctuary, heard n followed our shots right to the gates.

* * *

 

"How long?" Sasha asked, and Jesus shrugged his shoulders

"They were in their way, could be hours, maybe less" Sasha's face was firm, but I could see the worry in her eyes. Eyes don't lie.  
  


"And Rick, the others?" She asked me "they won't be back until dark, at the earliest, maybe morning." She eyed me very carefully and I glared right back defensively. Abraham piped up then, dragging my attention from Sasha's accusatory stare.

"Then we do what we can and hope our people get here first" he said wisely. "Shit I ain't ready to die today, not about to let none of you die either." He looked at Jesus. "For the most part" he added, and I was about to jump to Jesus's defence when Sasha added

"Trouble just follows you, doesn't it?" I shrugged at her, not about to deny it. I was a walking catastrophe and Daryl and Glenn should have left me be, but it was too late for that now.

"We have a lot of work to do, I suggest we get started." I said instead. Already forming a plan in my head and hoping we could scrape through this one, yet again, with our lives intact.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for major character death and a whole bunch of feels.

I don't know what I expected to find when I got back home. I guess I din't expect anythin'. It always was what it was, just home, with its big metal fences n rollin' iron gate.  
When I pulled up at first I din't know what I was seein', thought maybe I'd taken a wrong turn, not that I ever did. Ever.

The smoke I'd seen from up the road, other side'a the woods, I shoulda mentioned it to the others.

Now I sat outside the gate alone, bike still runnin' between my legs. The gate was open, there were bodies along the fence. No one on the wall. Blood everywhere.  
I kicked the bike into gear n headed inside the gate, carefully puttin' the stand down n closin' the gate behind me before turnin' n takin' everythin' in.

There was a lot to take in. Houses were burnin', there din't appear to be any people. I grabbed the walkie on my shoulder and spoke into it much calmer than I felt.

"Rick" there was a crackle, a hiss

"Daryl, you're back already?" I sighed heavily

"Ya gotta get here as soon as ya can man. Shit's gone down" suddenly there was a mass of movement in front of me and I darted forward as Abra stumbled out of the infirmary, n walked drunkenly down the steps. When she hit the pavement she doubled up n began heavin' uncontrollably.  
As I reached her, her stomach finally let go, I had to skirt around her to stay outta the firin' line.

"Abra?" I said as the radio on my jacket shoulder hissed and crackled again. She looked up at me, lookin' dazed n like she weren't there. Like she din't see me.

"Daryl?" The Walkie hissed, Rick's drawl becoming more pronounced with his worry, but I ignored it as Abra barged past me n back into the doctor's office. I went to follow her, n the door slammed in my face.

* * *

 

I stood just inside the armoury with my arms folded. Eugene was babbling and it wasn't helping anyone.

"Eugene, enough." I rolled my eyes. "Just tell me what we have here" he turned to face me square on

"Ma'am, I'd say we are up the proverbial creek missing the famed and much needed paddle" I looked at Abraham for some sort of translation.

"Abra, we're fucked." I sighed turning back to Eugene.

"Ok, well, let's get people together. We need all hands on deck here. Abraham, get back on the wall and fill Sasha in. Does anyone know where Carl is?" I looked around exasperated at their blank faces, Eugene and Abraham both looking like we were already done for, Jesus pursing his lips. "What?" I exploded at them "I'm not backing down!" Blank stares all around me. I threw my hands into the air and left the armoury, on the hunt for Carl on my own.

Charlie was waiting for me, sitting on the steps where I'd told him to keep watch.

"Mom" he said, standing as I came level with him. I ruffled his head, he needed a hair cut.

"What's up Charlie bear?" He looked at me a long moment before throwing his arms around my waist and squeezing me hard.

"I think we should leave" he whispered "dad ain't gonna be mad if we go and keep everyone safe, Rick ain't gonna be mad. " he pulled away and looked at me with glassy eyes. "It's ok to be scared sometimes mama, it don't mean y'ain't brave, it means ya human" I stared at him, dumbstruck. I opened my mouth but no sound came out, so I snapped it closed again. He smiled at me,

"Ya gonna do it anyway, huh?" I still couldn't answer. He'd never spoken like that before. He was always so plain and said what he was thinking but this was something else.

"Maybe, Charlie, I don't know yet" I said "have you seen Carl?" He shook his head and Abraham came out of the armoury behind us.

"Abra, I think you should reconsider leaving" he said, talking straight for the first time since I'd known him. Without looking at him I nodded.

"Ya know what Abe, I think I might agree with you" I looked at him and he was smiling his crooked smile.

"It makes sense, but I'm not convinced I was the one to talk you into it." I shook my head gently.

"New plan" I said. I'll come and fill you and Sasha in in a minute. I need Carl."

* * *

 

I threw the door of the infirmary open n yelled for Abra. Denise jumped up from where she sat by the window, her glasses in her hands, her face blotchy pink n wet.

She put her glasses on in a rush, clumsily, n her eyes darted to my left. I turned my head.

Abra was curled on a gurney, stroking Charlie's too long hair, whispering so quietly to him I couldn't hear.

"Abra?" I said again, but she didn't acknowledge me. I turned again to Denise, she mouthed somethin' n broke down again, fallin' into her chair with a thump.  
'I'm so sorry'

* * *

 

I stood at Rick and Michonne's door, my arms folded and tapping my foot impatiently.  
The door finally opened, and Carl appeared.

"Jesus Christ Carl," I said, rolling my eyes. "We have a situation and I need you. Now."  
I explained everything I could to him as we rounded the town, gathering people. We had to leave, we said, we'd be back, no need to pack. Bring weapons. Lots and lots of weapons.

We were so few, and I knew all too well how many saviours there were. I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid as to want to stay and fight. There was no way. None whatsoever.

So we gathered our people and any weapons we could carry and headed out, leaving Abraham and Sasha on the wall with walkie talkies so we could stay in contact. Channel 2, Rick had channel 1 covered.

"I'm comin with ya" Charlie looked at me with fire in his eyes,  
"No" I said flatly, Negan's bat on my shoulder, heavy and symbolic. I also had a rifle across my back and a machete in my hip, but I was going out to play to ball.

"Carl and Sasha and Abraham have me covered"

"Dad said" he cut me off, sounding so much like Daryl, with his nerves of steel and gruffness. Where had my little boy gone?

"I don't care what dad said, Charlie. You're not coming."

"like hell I ain't. I'm supposed to look afta ya. What'm I gonna say when he comes home n ya dead?" Carl stepped in.

"Charlie you can't speak to your mom like that. It's dangerous. Stay here with Judith, please. I need you to look after her." Charlie looked between us. My seven year old torn about who he should 'protect'. This world was making monsters all the time and my little man was so brave, and so loyal, amongst the mess.

He took a deep breath and held it, then shook his head and let it out in a long and world weary sigh.

"Nah, ya need me out there."  
I rolled my eyes, getting frustrated. I didn't have time for this. Negan's men would be arriving imminently and we'd left Sasha and Abe to look after the place alone. Carl shrugged his bag of smoke bombs and ammunition on his shoulder, also looking weary at our pointless argument.

I chewed my lip and held my free hand out to Charlie. He took it, but must have known from my face what was coming.

"Charlie I can't take you with me, I need you here to look after everyone" I looked at Denise and she came forward, "I love you Charlie bear" I said, kissing his cheek hard. Denise took him away with a quiet word in his ear. I looked at Carl, and he nodded at me

"Come on" he said, we'd wasted enough time, and I followed him, my feet feeling heavy.

* * *

 

I took a step towards Abra and Charlie, confused, and Denise stood up again.

"Uh, I wouldn't" she said quietly, but I ignored her, taking another step. Abra didn't look up, she didn't stop whispering to our son, but her hand shot out towards me, brandishing a small, sharp, serrated, knife.

I turned back to Denise. She shrugged at me.

"She does it every time she's approached" I turned back to my wife, she was curled protectively around Charlie, still stroking his head with one hand awkwardly.

"Abra?" I tried and she slowly looked up.

"You" she said venomously. "Where the hell were you?! We called you and you never got back to us. We needed you and you weren't there!"

"Abs" I managed,

"He's dead" she spat "Charlie's gone, and I'm going to have to shove a knife through his brain." She squeezed her eyes closed and looked back down at our boy. "And you weren't here" she ended in a whisper.

"Abra... If you want me..."

"No" she hissed, cutting me short. "No" her face screwed up and she broke down. "You weren't here, you were never here!"

* * *

 

"We got eyes on the road, here" Abraham's voice came over the radio "there's a lot of em"

"Hold tight," I said "We're not far. Plan still stands." He didn't come back, I assumed they'd be ok.

God, I was so wrong.

We parked behind one of the derelict houses outside the fence, ditching the car and climbing up into the attic where we had a perfect view of home. I waited for Carl's nod to tell me he was ready, and I radioed through

"We're here. What's going on" Carl was watching through a rifle sight.

"They're there. Shit there're so many" I pulled binoculars out of the bag Carl had placed between us.

"Shit" I breathed. At least 30 saviours stood at the gate, and that prick Dwight was with them. I knew he wasn't trustworthy. "God damnit" I said, lowering the goggles. "Are we close enough?" Carl nodded without replying, and I brought the binoculars up to my face again.

Abraham was conversing excitedly with Dwight, I watched the guys on the ground. Not one of them moving, no one aiming guns.

So when a shot sounded and Abraham fell heavily from the wall I was stunned. I dropped the binoculars and held the rifle to my eye instead, checking out the abandoned houses opposite us.

"Abraham?" Carl said and I shifted uncomfortably beside him.

"Just watch those saviours, I'm on it Carl" I scanned the Windows one by one until I found him. A lone sniper. I hoped I could get him, I hoped I hadn't lost any of the skills of learned from Carol and Sasha.

I took a breath, slowly let it out, and pulled the trigger.

The sniper dropped his gun out of the window he was using, as hopefully he dropped down dead behind it.

"They heard the gun drop" Carl said, and I looked, as two or three saviours turned to the noise.

Crap.

Then they were trying to get in, and Sasha couldn't hold them off alone. The gate shook back on its old rusty rollers, weakened by so many hands.

I watched disheartened, just thankful there was no one inside.  
I hadn't even processes the loss of Abraham, and I didn't have time to.

As the saviours rushed into my home, bent on distruction, I saw Dwight beckon someone forward.  
Someone I hadn't seen before  
Someone short and blonde with too long hair.

I turned and ran from the house, Carl calling me back in hushed tones before getting up and following.

"Charlie!" I burst out of the house and ran forward. Sasha yelled at me to stop, Carl called out something behind me, but my eyes were on my boy. Despite the 30 guns that were pointed at me, I didn't stop until Dwight grabbed my son and held his arm tightly

"Woah there princess" he said, "now now now. We saved your boy. I was told not to hurt him specifically from the man himself, but we found him wandering this way." He smiled evilly. "And I thought, well how about that" he looked at Charlie who was struggling in his grip. "This is a warning. You let us give you out warning and the boy will be just fine" I looked up at Sasha, back at Carl, both nodded at me.

"Ok" I said, deflated, and Dwight pushed Charlie roughly towards me. He fell and scraped his knee, tearing his jeans, but he got right back up and ran into my open arms.

I hugged him tight and watched as the saviours let themselves in to Alexadria, whooping and cheering like drunks.

I followed, Charlie wrapped around my legs letting out a string of nonsensical apologies. We walked past Abraham. He was dead.

"Up here" I said to Charlie, taking the ladder for the lookout. I looked back and he was following me up.

From the top the devastation was clear to see. Houses were being burned, my crops were being trampled and someone had shot my chickens and goats.

I looked at Sasha, who watched along side me with a far away stare.

I grabbed the radio in my back pocket and switched to channel one, hoping somehow, maybe, someone would here me.

"Daryl? Rick? Do you copy?" Nothing came back. "Rick, do you copy?!" Not even a hiss of static.

They attacked our home for almost an hour. Dwight called me down from the wall.

"Bring the kid" Sasha told me not to, but how could I deny them? If I complied they were less likely to hurt us.

"There. A warning. You need to start doing as you're told. Defiant bunch aintcha?" I squeezed Charlie's hand and didn't reply.  
"Oh don't worry. I was given strict instructions not to hurt anyone." I fought not to sneer at him.

"What about Abraham?" Dwight laughed, heartily, at that.

"Big red wouldn't stop flapping his jaws." He shrugged. "But I made a special promise not to hurt the boy" he turned away, walking off like it was over, his saviours already ahead of him.

I pulled Charlie close to me, letting out a breath I didn't know I held. I didn't see Dwight turn back, but I heard his words just seconds before my whole life fell apart.

"But, uh, I guess I'm defiant too"  
A shot rang out. Charlie didn't make a sound, but he shuddered in my arms, and suddenly there was blood everywhere.

I looked up, stunned, into Dwight's laughing face just as he and the rest of his saviours were blown apart. I turned to Sasha, who stood shaking with an RPG cannon on her shoulder.

 


	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dreamed this whole horrible scenario up, literally in a dream. I'm so sorry you guys

I screamed at Carl to fetch Denise and ran awkwardly with Charlie in my arms to the infirmary. I kicked the door open and lay him on a bed to check him over.   
A bright red rose of blood had blossomed on the front of his shirt, just below his right nipple.

"Ok Charlie" I said, calmly as I could, and lifted him to sitting so I could see his back. The exit wound was the size of my fist, and I clenched my jaw and looked up at the ceiling to keep from crying out. His breathing was shallow and laboured, and I knew this was it.

"Alright, OK" I said to him, trying to keep my voice light, and carefully laying him on his back again. I had no idea what I could do, the bullet had gone right through his ribs and his lung, and out again.

His skin was becoming cold and purple and his lips were blue. He wasn't getting enough air and he'd lost a hell of a lot of blood, it was still oozing out, front and back.

I contemplated calling for Daryl again, but switched the radio to 2 and called instead for Sasha

"Anyone yet?" I asked her, and her voice was soft and shaky when she returned the call  
"In the distance. Few minutes" I took a deep shaking breath of my own, deciding perhaps I could at least try and stop the bleeding. I wanted to be with him, but the gauze was on the other side of the room. I ran, crashing into apparatus as I did so, ripping the sterile packages open with my teeth as I turned back.

I packed the wound in his back as best I could, lifting his shirt instead of struggling to take it off. With that done I lie him back down and put as much pressure as I dare on the front. He didn't even mumble or stir, and that was the worst part, the pain would have been immense, he didn't even know.

He was going to die, and we were on our own. A noise escaped me, an animal like wail, and I felt his ribs move under my hands on his chest. His lung was probably punctured in several places by broken ribs, this was impossible.

"Oh Charlie" I sighed a watery sigh And leant my head close to his. "My Charlie bear" I kissed his forehead as he took another breath, deeper this time, but I heard something I'd only heard about in the old world. As he let the breath out there was a distinct rattle coming from deep within him.

He didn't breathe again.

By the time Denise finally arrived I was curled up around my boy, stroking his hair, covered in his blood.

It was when I realised what would have to happen next that I grabbed a steak knife and held it tightly in my hand.

And it was when I heard the distant rumble of Daryl's bike, a half hour later, that the idea of our son being gone made me nauseous.

* * *

 

"Abra" Denise said behind me as I stared in shock, still no idea of what had happened. Abra din't acknowledge her "Abra it's been quite some time. You don't want your last memories to be... That"

Abra was listenin', I could tell by how her face changed, creased up in her sorrow, a sob quietly comin' from her throat. She took a deep and watery breath, it dawned on me she'd not had to do this since Ben. Losing Charlie would be bad enough without the memory of killin' her twin, and tearin' herself in two. I stepped forward, tears coursin' down my own face.

Watchin' my wife in so much pain n her n my son covered in so much blood, my boy not breathing.

But Abra's hand shot out again, n she waved the knife at me

"I know!" She hissed "back the fuck off" I din't. I moved forward a little more and the knife in her hand shook harder. "Stop" she said, her voice no longer strong. But I din't. I stepped gently forward again, n the knife almost fell from her hand as she broke down. I caught it, took it from her easily, n she jumped off the bed. I took a deep breath, positioned the knife, bent and kissed my son's cheek, before closin my eyes tight and pushing the blade through his temple.

I felt sick myself, I sort of blanked out, slidin' to the floor n droppin' the knife with a clatter to the floor tiles.

I stay like that, just glarin' at nothin', hitchin' my breath, until Rick burst in and asked where Abra was.

I din't even realise she'd gone.


End file.
